I Broke Up With Paula Rubenstein

This is a sensitive issue. Whenever I write about these issues, you can read more about my motives here. It's not my intention to harm or to embarass anyone. It is my intention to help others overcome abuse, bullying, power-tripping and disablism, even when done to us by our allies. The only way out is though it. We've just got to light a candle and tell our story, in the hope that we can make virtue stronger.

I dated Paula Rubenstein* for just a few weeks last year, and although she has many, many good points, I didn't like the way she treated me. I ended the relationship in December because of her emotional cruelty, and because I felt verbally and emotionally abused by her. And she pushed me. I cried a few times over all this.

I talked to her about all this, but she didn't stop. I was so sad and alone about this, but I'm proud of myself for ending things with her.

At the same time, I'm really afraid of Paula.

I knew Paula because I had been working as a volunteer on a project she was leading that pertains to disabled queers in a historical context. Paula is a paraplegic and uses a wheelchair, but in her case the paralysis is incomplete and she can actually walk. Paula is retired, owns a home, has a cottage she rents to a tenant, has a PhD, and once worked as some kind of therapist. She has many friends. In other words, she's well-connected and has power and voice.

She is a member of a left-leaning synagogue led by the rabbi who did nothing when I complained of relational aggression I experienced in retaliation for turning down some sexual offers by lesbians, one of whom turned out to be the "out" lesbian rabbi. I told part of that story before.

Back to Dr Rubenstein. Paula's good friend Robyn Britebart* was the project's Assistant Director, and at first both Robyn and Paula didn't want me to quit. I was very integral to the project.

I don't want to say too much about that. I'm afraid. But I really contributed a lot.

The same thing kept happening with Paula. And some promises to me weren't kept. I told Robyn, but it didn't stop.

The last straw was Paula pushing me twice more.

So just a month after breaking up with her, I quit the project. That was in January.

I was glad I got away from her. I consider myself lucky it didn't take me longer to see all this.

I am afraid of her.

I didn't know what she'd do to me next.

I'm not mad and I'm not looking to get back at her; I just want to get away from her.

And I want her to stay away from me.

The thing is, Paula could be anyone. She's just a dance. And I don't wanna dance with her anymore. Not that way.

So I'm learning some new steps and I'm trying them out.


(* I don't give real names due to a series of incidents online and offline.)