What You Can Do to Help the Prosopagnosiac

Ok, Let's say my name is Erin Teller. If we know each other, come up to me and greet me. It's the most helpful thing you can do for someone with face blindness. Remember the prosopagnosiac is entering every social situation not knowing who's there. Imagine how you'd feel if everyone you encounter for the rest of your life kept a paper bag over their head all the time.

Here's how to greet someone with face blindness. Approach me and say my name. Then say your name. Then tell me how we know each other.

Here are some good examples. Do this:
You: Hi Erin, it's me, Emma, from swimming at Lakeview park.
You: Hey Erin, it's Gladys, from the Women Over Fifty Club. We met at that cabaret show at the Elk's Hall last summer.
You: Oh Erin, good to see you. It's me, Wendy, I'm a friend of Willa's. We all went to that LGBT comedy show in San Francisco together, right before Pride.
You: Erin, you may not recognize me, because I cut my hair. But it's me, Shamika. I'm the person with the big lemon tree. We made meringue with Alex.
You: Erin, I don't go by Zip anymore. Now I go by Zap. From skateboarding, remember?
You: Shabbat shalom, Erin, it's me Rebekah, from Rabbi Alan's class. Come sit with me.
You: Om, Erin, it's me Shakti, from Laughing Tree Yoga. Put your mat down here by mine.

After you introduce yourself, let me take a beat or two so I can recall the memory you're describing. It may take another moment for me to see your physical type, to see what you're wearing today, and who you're with. I need to associate that with your name and with the memory you described. Not everyone with face blindness is slow, but my face blindness was acquired from a head injury, so I need you to give me time to process what you're saying.

Let's talk about some other situations. Let's say we're traveling to a social event together. If you know or can predict a few people who will be there, clue me in to their names, prior to our arrival. Let's say we're on our way to an event, and you predict Linda, Lyn, Lynette, Lenore and Loretta will be there. You might want to ask me if I want to go over who is who while we're still in the car. If I say yes, be patient while I rehearse it a few times.

In that example, I used similar names to indicate possible complexity, but that's just a courtesy or a kindness to someone reading this, in order to help you understand confusion better. Face blindness has nothing to do with similar-sounding names.

Let's take another situation. If I'm with you at an event, and I ask you a question about someone's identity, try to do this: For example, if I say, "who's that woman in the red shirt, standing by the cookies, sorta short, and she's talking on her phone?" A truthful answer is wonderful. "That's Jackie," is great. But "I don't know, I've never met her, but I think she came here with Miranda," is fair enough. And if the truth is, "I don't know, I don't think I've ever seen her before," that's perfect, too.

When I ask about someone's identity, please don't answer my question with a question. Don't do this:
Me: Is that Connie, carrying Betty's guitar?
You: Why, do you play guitar?
You: Why, do you think they're dating?
You: Why, are you attracted to her?
You: Why do you ask?
You: How come you wanna know that?
You: What makes you think it's Connie?
You: Do you want to talk to her?
You: Aren't you still playing violin?
You: Are you still having trouble with names?
You: What, is it really my responsibility to help you?
You: Is this another lesbian drama?
You: If you can learn who I am, then how come you can't learn who she is?

For many reasons your questions don't work for me: they don't give information that's been requested; they don't let me know whether you know the answer, or if I need to ask somebody else; they place a new demand on me to give information to you; your question may have me so distracted that I may not even remember what information I was trying to learn in the first place.

But if you really have a question for me, or a question about my condition, please answer my question first. Then ask whether I feel comfortable answering your questions. I think etiquette writers would back me on that one. And please understand that my question is one of concrete fact or common knowledge. Your question is more inward or personal, and presumes a level of intimacy that may exceed my boundaries.

I acquired face blindness from a head injury, so it's already hard for me to pay attention and learn. If you answer my question factually, I'll still have to work to absorb what you're saying. I'm sure the last thing you'd want to do is make things more difficult for people like me.

And some questions are really statements in disguise. Some of those statements disguised as questions are not helpful or solution-oriented. Folks disabled from a head injury and acquired prosopagnosia really have a tough enough time as it is. We could use a little kindness.

There are other answers which are not very helpful or solution-oriented. I've heard responses that have really been hard to deal with. So don't do this:
Me: Is Karen the woman with the long blond hair, sitting on the couch with those two women?
You: You really go for the ones with the long hair.
You: She's taken.
You: I thought you weren't here to hit on women.
You: You're always asking who everyone is. Just enjoy the party.
You: I don't really pay attention to someone's hair, I like the inner person. I'm spiritual.
You: I see that the woman she's talking to is eating chocolate-covered strawberries, and I'm allergic to chocolate, and anyway they don't treat the workers who pick the beans in a very nice way, people need to get a grip and start using vanilla.
You: I need coffee, water, tea, a napkin, a banana, artificial sweetener, less ice, more ice, less music, more music, better music, no music, a bathroom, to know why that clock isn't working, to check my voicemail, to re-paint my kitchen soon, for you to be more understanding of my needs, etc.
You: You think that her hair is really blond, but it's not. It's colored. It disgusts me when women do that.
You: Believe me, I know all about your problem. My mother had Alzheimer's, and she couldn't recognize me. I just can't go through that again. Good bye.
You: Hmmm, let's see, you're asking me if that's Karen. You've asked that before. You really miss Karen. You need to get over it.
You: Karen is a really common name. There's always lotsa Karens around. If I had a kid I would name her anything but Karen.
You: Listen, I'm not the information exchange, you know.
You: You're telling me what to do. That's so controlling.
You: Ask her yourself!
You: She's not Jewish.
You: I don't have to tell you that. I don't have to answer. It's not my job to make your life easy. Your problems are not my responsibility.
You: Whatever. I don't wanna participate in your drama.
You: Everyone has trouble with names or faces. Get over it.
You: That's funny, you always know who I am. And you know Susan, Jane, and Wendy. You know half the room. Doesn't sound like some big problem to me. Unless you make it one.
You: A lot of people don't like her. Let's get away.
You: A lot of people don't like you. Get away.
You: Your disability really impacts you socially. That must bring up a lot of feelings for you. I'm a good listener.
You: I don't see what's so hard about this. Hey Karen. KAREN! Nope. Guess that's not Karen.
You: Hey you. Yes, YOU! Erin here was just asking about you. She really wants to meet you.

Those are examples of unhelpful responses I've had to deal with. Sometimes I can recover gracefully. Other times those responses actually create a new set of problems for me.

So please answer my questions factually and normally. Don't make assumptions, don't psychoanalyze, and don't launch into distracting new topics or adventures. Remember that in acquired prosopagnosia there's likely to be comprehension and memory issues in addition to the face blindness. I need your compassion and your help. You may want to consider providing information beyond what I've asked, if you think it's helpful.

Here's some great examples. Do this:
Me: Is Karen the woman with the long blond hair, sitting on the couch with those two women?
You: No, it's not Karen. It's Tamar.
You: Yes, it's Karen. Her hair has really gotten longer.
You: Sorry, I don't know who she is at all.
You: Oh she's got blond hair now, ok. Yes, that's Karen.
You: Karen Smith is on the couch. Karen Jones is in the kitchen.
You: That's Beth. And she's good friends with Mary, the Mary who says mean things about you.
You: I think you're thinking of Karen Smith, and this woman really looks a lot like Karen Smith, but she's not. She's Victoria.
You: Yes it's Karen. You and I and Karen all went out for coffee Thursday. She's the one who rides her bicycle everywhere.
You: I don't know that woman on the couch. And excuse me, but I also don't know you, either. I'm Renee.
You: Hang on, I'll be right with you, gotta catch this call, this falling chip, this running child, etc. Thanks, did you find out if she was Karen? Because I've met so many people here myself today, I just don't know. Maybe you could tell me.

That's easy, right?

If you've agreed to help me with recognizing people or with learning new people in a social situation, then hang out with me and see how it feels for you. But be cool about it. And just remember, I can't help it.

Let's take just a couple more situations. Say you're organizing a social event. You'll want to consider ways to make your event accessible to people with disabilities. I'll bet you've taken great care to choose a location that's wheelchair accessible. You've probably checked to ensure that the bathrooms are wheelchair accessible, too. For really huge public events, some of you have hired sign language interpreters, or you're at least you're open to that. And perhaps you've even thought about creating some program literature in large print. Maybe you've got ushers or greeters, too. Although this is fabulous, and it's certainly overkill for a typical potluck, it doesn't make the occasion accessible for someone like me.

What makes an event accessible for me is name tags. They're inexpensive, they're effective, and everyone has fun coloring their own name. They work great for face blindness.

Another fabulous idea is to appoint someone to be a social buddy. The social buddy can answer questions about who's who. Once you start to offer this, you'd be surprised who might take you up on it. There's almost always a newcomer in the room, and often there's another who's terminally shy. The baby boomers are aging; they're losing their hearing, their sight, and their memory. So it's not just prosopagnosiacs who can benefit from some social identifiers.

Let's take one last situation. Let's say you're a community leader or an educator and you're involved in events. And you find out people have played a trick on someone with acquired prognosia. Or you learn someone keeps doing some of the aggressive things from the Don't list.

You might first consider replacing ignorance with information. Then you may want to model compassion, understanding, and helpfulness. You may also want to get their side.

Sometimes people don't want to be recognized, or they may think it's cute to play games, or they may have personal issues. What you need to know is this. If someone refuses to give their name, or they deliberately give fake names, this is frightening, not funny. It's disablist, cruel and unacceptable. It's taking advantage of someone's disability.

When someone repeatedly says cruel things from the Don't list, a person with face blindness may not consistently recognize who that person is, in order to stay away. This can be very frightening. This is another form of taking advantage of disability. And it's disablist, cruel and unacceptable.

These situations are like throwing obstacles in front of a blind man. Maybe worse. And they're not to be tolerated. I don't play games with my safety. And I don't want you to, either.

If you find out about disablism in your community, speak up. You wouldn't tolerate racism, sexism, or anti-semitism from your friends. Don't tolerate disablism, either.