I went to the Krip Hop Homo Hop Saturday at 2 p.m., and after all that happened, Leroy wasn't able to have us speak at 3:30 p.m.-ish, like the program guide said. I started to get really fatigued. Judy Sierra left early. Gradually my acquaintances drifted away, and finally the last friend of mine was ready to leave. I had already been closing my eyes and knew I needed to leave, too. In addition to fatigue, since I've been getting bullied, I don't feel safe in public unless I'm with someone I really trust. Some time after 5 p.m., I got up and told Leroy I had to go. He apologized for not calling on us. I accepted his apology, and told him so. But in a way our advocacy work was stopped by another advocate. We weren't given the floor for five minutes to speak our message to maybe 30-50 queer disabled artists and allies.
And another thing happened at the event. Two women (who said they knew Judy Sierra) were really aggressive and rude to me. They weren't honest with me about what the problem was. I asked if they wanted to talk or share something, but they were hostile and said no. They treated me with an air of disdain and didn't try to conceal their hostility. It seemed clear that they heard something that prejudiced them in some way that they didn't want to resolve.
One of the women wore a brown and green sweater-vest with a horizontal pattern and had short, dark, wavy hair. She was neatly groomed, and was the leader of the pair. The other was blond and was wearing a peach-colored v-neck shirt with three-quarter length sleeves. The dark-haired one was a bit older, but the blond had a smooth face. They were both in wheelchairs.
In a parting shot, they laughed at my expense when someone wanted to pass behind me. Since I was facing them, they could see behind me, but I had no idea what was happening behind me. They didn't show any concern for my welfare or my space, so it was impossible to know whether I was about to be intruded upon from the rear. Suddenly when there was no space left, the blond girl spoke up, but played it like I was the social transgressor who had been rudely blocking someone, while she was the reluctant enforcer of decorum, sensitivity and social graces. As I began to move, I lost my balance, but didn't fall to the ground. They laughed in a ridiculing way over this, with the brunette being far more aggressive in her laughter. And the brunette praised the blond for her quick thinking in blaming me for the whole thing. In reality, these two ladies were blocking the door, and shouldn't have been.
This is the situation I've faced in public for two years. In public, I experience random aggression once the other person finds out who I am or what I'm doing. The random aggression often takes the form of withholding or obfuscating necessary social information, then blaming me and ridiculing me, often for not having the social information they withheld. In each case they don't acknowledge or take responsibility for their own true feelings of aggression or hostility toward me, nor do they share what has motivated them to behave the way they do. This is a primary cause of the whole problem. Sometimes what I'm doing is asking disabled dykes if they want to join a newslist so we can share information of importance to each other. But that's really rare that I'm doing that, it's maybe three or four times in my life. Most times I'm just asking someone their name, or asking what they think about an event, or I'm participating in a Jewish event, or I'm listening to music, or I'm at a dance, or I'm praying, or I'm studying, or I'm at a party. Basic stuff.
Nothing like this happened to me prior to Lenora publishing quite a few untruthful things about me after she was suspended from a Yahoogroup for lesbians. All of this bad behavior toward me in public began immediately following the Lenora situation, and it was especially prevalent in the way lesbians treated me in all shuls. Lenora isn't Jewish, so I wonder if a handful of shul lesbians capitalized on some of the libel and slander Lenora started.
Showing posts with label Psychological aggression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Psychological aggression. Show all posts
What You Can Do to Help Those Targeted by Bullies
Labels:
Abuse,
Bullying,
Disability,
Internet Bullying,
Jewish,
Lesbian,
LGBT,
Psychological aggression,
Relational Aggression,
Spirituality,
Strategies
This is a continuation of the last article I wrote about bullying in the lesbian community. This piece focuses on how a witness or third party can help those targeted by an abuser.
It's a quick sketch or list of what To Do and what Not To Do if you want to help someone who's being bullied, or if you want to help someone who's experiencing psychological violence. If you need a definition of bullying, check out my last post, which used Tim Field's definition -- geared to describing workplace bullies, but with much that applies to general bullying, psychological violence, and relational aggression.
Some of what I suggest is specific to helping and protecting a member of a vulnerable population, as I have cognitive difficulties resulting from a head injury.
I wrote this pretty fast. I hope to have other ideas in the future.
Ok, here we go.
Do This right away:
--Validate my experience.
--Protect me.
--Ask me what I need, and think in terms of interventions that would make the Red Cross proud, and things which would be helpful under extreme trauma or PTSD: soup, a blanket, an arm around the shoulder, a kleenex to cry into, a wash cloth on a swollen face, a good night's sleep.
--Encourage me to eat.
--Check on me often.
--Reassure me that one day this will end.
--Tell me that you'll be there for me, and then demonstrate that by actually being there for me.
--I might not be able to rally enough to get out of the house and join you in a worthy activity, so kindly consider coming over and sitting with me.
--Tell me you don't approve of the bullying behavior.
--Tell others you don't approve of bullying behavior.
--Tell me I'm not to blame, that I didn't invite it, and that I didn't provoke it.
--Call for safety in the community.
--Let me know that you know this is abuse and psychological violence.
As I begin to comprehend, and as I deal with the fog, continue to Do This:
--Help me name what's happening: psychological violence, psychological aggression, psychological harassment, emotional abuse, internet bullying, undermining social relationships, destructive interpersonal misconduct, ethics violations, professional conduct violations, etc.
--Help me name what enablers are doing: minimizing, distorting, denying, making excuses, etc.
--Remind me that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Remind others that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Acknowledge limits of conventional wisdom ie, "therapy, conflict resolution, and ignoring the bullying are not going to make you safe, nor will this end bullying, which is the result you need and deserve."
--Suggest specific action I can take to end the abuse.
--Encourage me to educate myself properly about bullying, mobbing and the effects of abuse.
--Invite me places.
--Show concern for my safety.
As I take action to get it to stop, continue to Do This:
--See what you can do to help me document the situation, or support my efforts to do that.
--Consider following up with me about documentation and appointments.
--Consider accompanying me for support when I visit attorneys, police, clergy, other people at the job, or other intimidating professionals.
--Be savvy about the bully's tendency to counter-claim that she's the victim.
--Help educate yourself, me and others.
--Encourage me to obtain proper and appropriate support, anti-bullying support groups, attorneys, police, cameras, documentation.
--Encourage me to avoid support from inappropriate avenues, the bully's boss, the bully's good friends, the bully's family, the bully's business partners or project partners, etc.
As I recover physically, spiritually and emotionally, continue to Do This:
--Validate my experience.
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--See what my needs are.
--Suggest getting outside and taking walks in safe areas.
--Suggest soothing activities like baths, or meditation, or soft music, or whatever the target has found comforting and sustaining.
--Continue to protect me.
--Be open to my interest and transformation toward spiritual meaning.
As we as a community recover, continue to Do This:
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--Back me up when I call for safety in the community.
--Identify bullying behavior and enabling behavior with correct terms.
--Where appropriate, help author a professional or ethical code of conduct that includes anti-bullying language.
--Help enforce the code of conduct.
--Help hold offenders accountable.
--Help keep an eye on vulnerable and under-served populations.
...
Next comes the list of what not to do. This list comes from actual comments or explanations of people's decisions and attitudes. Although these often are direct quotes, others are approximations. This may typify what folks say when they want to justify enabling, since very little of this comes from supporters of the bully. Where I was able to, I tried to give examples of how some statements directly contradict each other. This was easier than you may think, since often the two sides of contradicting advice would be given by the same person, which surprised me. Also, I've tried to take particular care to document the pseudo-spiritual and pseudo-therapeutic stylings that are out there. I find them rather fascinating, misguided, and sad. It sure hasn't been fun to experience this cacophony. Sometimes it's as bad or worse as the bullying itself.
When you talk to me, Don't Do this or make similar denying, or distracting or unhelpful statements:
You: "Just ignore it."
You: "Don't give me any information about what's going on for you, I don't want to know."
You: "I'm really busy at work right now. I'll probably be busy this whole quarter. That reminds me, can you volunteer to help me on my project? I sure could use it."
You: "I'm not here to meet your needs, you know."
You: "I'm not going to help you."
You: "People have lives. They don't want to get involved. They just want to stay out of it."
You: "What's your part?"
You: "Have you been looking at what you did to cause all this?"
You: "Have you looked at your patterns?"
You: "What did you do to bring this on?"
You: "Have you looked at how come this keeps happening to you?"
You: "You're just needy / complaining / upset / having a crisis."
You: "What you're describing just is not bullying."
You: "So what if it's bullying, it's not illegal."
You: "What, are you in junior high?"
You: "This is just a conflict."
You: "You two just don't get along."
You: "This is just a bad breakup."
You: "Your personalities are just so different."
You: "No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."
You: "If they treat you that way, why would you want to go there anyway?"
You: "We're all so sick of lesbian drama."
You: "I think both sides are in the wrong."
You: "This type of drama has been going on in the community since the 1970's."
You: "I've heard worse."
You: "Since you have a cognitive disability, how do you know you're not the one who's bullying others?"
You: "Hey, I've heard complaints about you, too."
You: "She says she's the victim."
You: "The bully says it was you who abused her."
You: "You can't let her (the bully) push you around, use your physical size."
You: "If you want my support, or if you are disappointed that you don't have my support, then you are guilting and manipulating me, and therefore it's you who are harassing me."
You: "If you are uncomfortable with our friendship because I am able to work closely with the bully, that's too bad. I am going to keep doing it. I am able to have good relationship with the bully and you are not."
You: "I doubt that what you say about her bullying you is true. She (the bully) has a professional title, or a home, or standing in the community, or many friends, or a degree in peace work, or a degree in spiritual work, or a degree in therapy, or some other important symbol guaranteeing and authenticating her."
You: "Everyone knows she (the bully) is a joke. No one pays any attention to her. So just consider the source. It's not a big deal."
You: "I'm sick of your victim crap."
You: "Why didn't you stand up for yourself sooner?"
You: "There's nothing I can do."
You: "There's nothing anyone can do."
You: "We can't legislate human behavior."
You: "Nobody has to be nice, nor can we force them to be good."
You: "It's not bullying. It's just people sharing their feelings about you."
You: "She (the bully) is simply a passionate person."
You: "You're really putting too much passion into this."
You: "We all have our problems."
You: "Who are we to judge?"
You: "So just stop working there."
You: "So just stop using the internet."
You: "So just don't go to parties where you might run into these people."
You: "So just lay low for a month."
You: "Just pull yourself together."
You: "Just make the best of it."
You: "This is what psychotherapy is for."
You: "If you don't like how it feels to be treated this way, go to therapy and deal with those feelings."
You: "Instead of complaining about others, learn to accept others, and tolerate each others' differences."
You: "Aren't you a yogini / meditator / torah student / 12-stepper ? You're not being very spiritual."
You: "Aren't you supposed to be a community leader / peer counselor / mentor/ trainee ? You're not being very insightful / professional / mature about all this."
You: "I don't like that you sound so angry."
You: "This doesn't feel very good to me, to hear you talk this way."
You: "You're so upset. Relax. Let go of it."
You: "This is simply a matter of your perceptions. If you change your viewpoint, you will change your life."
You: "Everything is an illusion."
You: "Who died and put you in charge of morality?"
You: "Yeah right, you're the sole source of virtue."
You: "Two years ago, you were really upset with me for a few sentences. I'll bet you've done that again and forgotten."
You: "A supporter of the bully said you were loud on the phone and you complained. You're the problem."
You: "Why are you taking your private problems public? That's not right."
You: "This is just gossip. That's not right."
You: "You know, once we're adults we're supposed to just pick up the phone and talk things over.
You: "This is between you and her. I'm not involved. And I don't wanna be."
You: "You're escalating everything by taking this to corporate / bosses / witnesses / police / attorneys / the public / the board of directors/ the national board of oversight of whatever."
You: "The bully has a problem with you. And this has happened to you more than once, since your disability. Doesn't that say something about you? It's you. You're the problem."
You: "Life is a series of lessons. Have you learned any? It doesn't sound like it. Have you learned what to do differently in the future? I don't think so. Have you learned what you could have done that would have prevented it?"
You: "Look, the community is so much broader than you realize. Hardly anyone uses the internet, or goes to parties, or dances, or volunteers, or does activist work, or plays music, or goes to synagogue. You can easily find a new community within the community."
Ok, that's the list. I suppose the one that's my favorite example of an absurd remark is:
"No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."
It's just so illogical. What does it say about a community that uses this type of silly thinking, to support such a dangerous and hurtful situation?
I work really hard to deal with my cognitive situation. What in the world are others working on?
It's a quick sketch or list of what To Do and what Not To Do if you want to help someone who's being bullied, or if you want to help someone who's experiencing psychological violence. If you need a definition of bullying, check out my last post, which used Tim Field's definition -- geared to describing workplace bullies, but with much that applies to general bullying, psychological violence, and relational aggression.
Some of what I suggest is specific to helping and protecting a member of a vulnerable population, as I have cognitive difficulties resulting from a head injury.
I wrote this pretty fast. I hope to have other ideas in the future.
Ok, here we go.
Do This right away:
--Validate my experience.
--Protect me.
--Ask me what I need, and think in terms of interventions that would make the Red Cross proud, and things which would be helpful under extreme trauma or PTSD: soup, a blanket, an arm around the shoulder, a kleenex to cry into, a wash cloth on a swollen face, a good night's sleep.
--Encourage me to eat.
--Check on me often.
--Reassure me that one day this will end.
--Tell me that you'll be there for me, and then demonstrate that by actually being there for me.
--I might not be able to rally enough to get out of the house and join you in a worthy activity, so kindly consider coming over and sitting with me.
--Tell me you don't approve of the bullying behavior.
--Tell others you don't approve of bullying behavior.
--Tell me I'm not to blame, that I didn't invite it, and that I didn't provoke it.
--Call for safety in the community.
--Let me know that you know this is abuse and psychological violence.
As I begin to comprehend, and as I deal with the fog, continue to Do This:
--Help me name what's happening: psychological violence, psychological aggression, psychological harassment, emotional abuse, internet bullying, undermining social relationships, destructive interpersonal misconduct, ethics violations, professional conduct violations, etc.
--Help me name what enablers are doing: minimizing, distorting, denying, making excuses, etc.
--Remind me that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Remind others that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Acknowledge limits of conventional wisdom ie, "therapy, conflict resolution, and ignoring the bullying are not going to make you safe, nor will this end bullying, which is the result you need and deserve."
--Suggest specific action I can take to end the abuse.
--Encourage me to educate myself properly about bullying, mobbing and the effects of abuse.
--Invite me places.
--Show concern for my safety.
As I take action to get it to stop, continue to Do This:
--See what you can do to help me document the situation, or support my efforts to do that.
--Consider following up with me about documentation and appointments.
--Consider accompanying me for support when I visit attorneys, police, clergy, other people at the job, or other intimidating professionals.
--Be savvy about the bully's tendency to counter-claim that she's the victim.
--Help educate yourself, me and others.
--Encourage me to obtain proper and appropriate support, anti-bullying support groups, attorneys, police, cameras, documentation.
--Encourage me to avoid support from inappropriate avenues, the bully's boss, the bully's good friends, the bully's family, the bully's business partners or project partners, etc.
As I recover physically, spiritually and emotionally, continue to Do This:
--Validate my experience.
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--See what my needs are.
--Suggest getting outside and taking walks in safe areas.
--Suggest soothing activities like baths, or meditation, or soft music, or whatever the target has found comforting and sustaining.
--Continue to protect me.
--Be open to my interest and transformation toward spiritual meaning.
As we as a community recover, continue to Do This:
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--Back me up when I call for safety in the community.
--Identify bullying behavior and enabling behavior with correct terms.
--Where appropriate, help author a professional or ethical code of conduct that includes anti-bullying language.
--Help enforce the code of conduct.
--Help hold offenders accountable.
--Help keep an eye on vulnerable and under-served populations.
...
Next comes the list of what not to do. This list comes from actual comments or explanations of people's decisions and attitudes. Although these often are direct quotes, others are approximations. This may typify what folks say when they want to justify enabling, since very little of this comes from supporters of the bully. Where I was able to, I tried to give examples of how some statements directly contradict each other. This was easier than you may think, since often the two sides of contradicting advice would be given by the same person, which surprised me. Also, I've tried to take particular care to document the pseudo-spiritual and pseudo-therapeutic stylings that are out there. I find them rather fascinating, misguided, and sad. It sure hasn't been fun to experience this cacophony. Sometimes it's as bad or worse as the bullying itself.
When you talk to me, Don't Do this or make similar denying, or distracting or unhelpful statements:
You: "Just ignore it."
You: "Don't give me any information about what's going on for you, I don't want to know."
You: "I'm really busy at work right now. I'll probably be busy this whole quarter. That reminds me, can you volunteer to help me on my project? I sure could use it."
You: "I'm not here to meet your needs, you know."
You: "I'm not going to help you."
You: "People have lives. They don't want to get involved. They just want to stay out of it."
You: "What's your part?"
You: "Have you been looking at what you did to cause all this?"
You: "Have you looked at your patterns?"
You: "What did you do to bring this on?"
You: "Have you looked at how come this keeps happening to you?"
You: "You're just needy / complaining / upset / having a crisis."
You: "What you're describing just is not bullying."
You: "So what if it's bullying, it's not illegal."
You: "What, are you in junior high?"
You: "This is just a conflict."
You: "You two just don't get along."
You: "This is just a bad breakup."
You: "Your personalities are just so different."
You: "No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."
You: "If they treat you that way, why would you want to go there anyway?"
You: "We're all so sick of lesbian drama."
You: "I think both sides are in the wrong."
You: "This type of drama has been going on in the community since the 1970's."
You: "I've heard worse."
You: "Since you have a cognitive disability, how do you know you're not the one who's bullying others?"
You: "Hey, I've heard complaints about you, too."
You: "She says she's the victim."
You: "The bully says it was you who abused her."
You: "You can't let her (the bully) push you around, use your physical size."
You: "If you want my support, or if you are disappointed that you don't have my support, then you are guilting and manipulating me, and therefore it's you who are harassing me."
You: "If you are uncomfortable with our friendship because I am able to work closely with the bully, that's too bad. I am going to keep doing it. I am able to have good relationship with the bully and you are not."
You: "I doubt that what you say about her bullying you is true. She (the bully) has a professional title, or a home, or standing in the community, or many friends, or a degree in peace work, or a degree in spiritual work, or a degree in therapy, or some other important symbol guaranteeing and authenticating her."
You: "Everyone knows she (the bully) is a joke. No one pays any attention to her. So just consider the source. It's not a big deal."
You: "I'm sick of your victim crap."
You: "Why didn't you stand up for yourself sooner?"
You: "There's nothing I can do."
You: "There's nothing anyone can do."
You: "We can't legislate human behavior."
You: "Nobody has to be nice, nor can we force them to be good."
You: "It's not bullying. It's just people sharing their feelings about you."
You: "She (the bully) is simply a passionate person."
You: "You're really putting too much passion into this."
You: "We all have our problems."
You: "Who are we to judge?"
You: "So just stop working there."
You: "So just stop using the internet."
You: "So just don't go to parties where you might run into these people."
You: "So just lay low for a month."
You: "Just pull yourself together."
You: "Just make the best of it."
You: "This is what psychotherapy is for."
You: "If you don't like how it feels to be treated this way, go to therapy and deal with those feelings."
You: "Instead of complaining about others, learn to accept others, and tolerate each others' differences."
You: "Aren't you a yogini / meditator / torah student / 12-stepper ? You're not being very spiritual."
You: "Aren't you supposed to be a community leader / peer counselor / mentor/ trainee ? You're not being very insightful / professional / mature about all this."
You: "I don't like that you sound so angry."
You: "This doesn't feel very good to me, to hear you talk this way."
You: "You're so upset. Relax. Let go of it."
You: "This is simply a matter of your perceptions. If you change your viewpoint, you will change your life."
You: "Everything is an illusion."
You: "Who died and put you in charge of morality?"
You: "Yeah right, you're the sole source of virtue."
You: "Two years ago, you were really upset with me for a few sentences. I'll bet you've done that again and forgotten."
You: "A supporter of the bully said you were loud on the phone and you complained. You're the problem."
You: "Why are you taking your private problems public? That's not right."
You: "This is just gossip. That's not right."
You: "You know, once we're adults we're supposed to just pick up the phone and talk things over.
You: "This is between you and her. I'm not involved. And I don't wanna be."
You: "You're escalating everything by taking this to corporate / bosses / witnesses / police / attorneys / the public / the board of directors/ the national board of oversight of whatever."
You: "The bully has a problem with you. And this has happened to you more than once, since your disability. Doesn't that say something about you? It's you. You're the problem."
You: "Life is a series of lessons. Have you learned any? It doesn't sound like it. Have you learned what to do differently in the future? I don't think so. Have you learned what you could have done that would have prevented it?"
You: "Look, the community is so much broader than you realize. Hardly anyone uses the internet, or goes to parties, or dances, or volunteers, or does activist work, or plays music, or goes to synagogue. You can easily find a new community within the community."
Ok, that's the list. I suppose the one that's my favorite example of an absurd remark is:
"No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."
It's just so illogical. What does it say about a community that uses this type of silly thinking, to support such a dangerous and hurtful situation?
I work really hard to deal with my cognitive situation. What in the world are others working on?
Introduction to Understanding the Bullying Epidemic
Labels:
Abuse,
Bullying,
Disability,
Internet Bullying,
Lesbian,
LGBT,
Psychological aggression,
Relational Aggression,
Spirituality
This article is born of firsthand experience being the target of adult bullying and relational aggression in the lesbian community; in lesbian volunteer communities and our projects; and in spiritual community such as synagogues. Bullying and psychological violence is due to a problem with the aggressor, not the target. Numerous social factors magnify the epidemic of bullying in our communities. Specific common sense steps can and should be taken to support those who have been bullied, and to help ensure safe, moral, healthy community for us all.
Laws and professional codes need to be tightened and enforced in order to guide appropriate behavior in our communities, particularly on the part of our bosses, but also on the part of teachers, clergy, therapists and other workers in the caring professions. Complaints of bullying need to be taken seriously, investigated properly, standards enforced, with bullies held accountable.
Bullying is a unique phenomenon in that frequently three parties and not two parties are involved. The parties are the bully, the target (not a victim) and the third parties such as witnesses. These third parties may be enablers, or they may be protectors of the targets, or they may be enforcers of prevailing norms of cultural virtue, or anywhere along this continuum. The phenomena and response of the third party is of primary significance in stopping bullying. Due to the importance of the three-party dynamic, neither therapy nor mediation is typically an appropriate avenue for stopping bullying. The key to stopping bullying is likely to have its roots in the previous paragraph.
Factors such as enabling on the part of third parties make bullying and its effects worse. These attitudes are often supported primarily by ignorance about what bullying and abuse is, and what it is not. Additionally, enablers may not know what enabling is, either. Enabling is often accompanied by an attitude of powerlessness over what can be done, sometimes with fears of social, financial and legal retaliation to those who speak out. The attitude of schadenfreude cannot be overlooked as a factor in enabling. And perhaps most significantly, a lack of meaningful intervention sometimes finds its intellectual, moral and spiritual roots in "idiot compassion" which was discussed in a truly great teaching by Karma Yogini here.
Other socially relevant factors in bullying include lack of protection for certain vulnerable populations. For example, those who are living with disabilities that affect cognition or affect one's ability to communicate and advocate are likely targets. The elderly are another probable target.
Of relevance is the scenario and background for workplace-related bullying. Workplace bullies typically act out when held accountable for their own shortcomings, inadequacies, or bad behavior. Some workplace bullies are threatened by their targets skills, or popularity, or innovative ideas.
Unfortunately the lesbian community is not immune to sexual misconduct and sexual harassment. A woman who says no to another woman's sexual offers, may be targeted for retaliatory relational aggression, which is a form of bullying.
The bully discharges her own feelings of aggression on to a target. In yet another layer, the bully attempts to involve third parties in isolating the target from social, emotional, spiritual, collegial, or professional support. The bully uses and exploits her relationships in business or social networks. The web can often play a role in this.
Today bullying is magnified or intensified by the influence and power of the internet. The internet effect is significant because online communication is instantaneous and unregulated. Additionally, internet bullying reaches the target where she reads email and accesses social networking sites, such as previously safe areas, like the home or even the bedroom. Furthermore, those who live with disability may be more likely to socialize and communicate online. And some populations and special interest groups may make heavier use of the internet in order to self-identify and to connect, such as the LGBT population or some spiritual groups. For those in these impacted groups, attacks on one's internet persona, reputation, and work may be more critical and damaging.
When a bully uses many of these weapons such as relational aggression, the internet, and threatening the financial or professional livelihood of the target, the isolation and suffering can produce psychiatric injury, including complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. A target may develop suicidal thoughts, and suicide can sometimes result.
Understanding bullying can provide a glimpse into the human heart and condition. As a society, it's our moral mandate to develop practical, effective approaches to handling aggression, psychological aggression, and bullying. Tim Field, a pioneer on bullying and a world-renowned expert on the subject, believed "bullying was the single most important social issue of today, and that its study provided an opportunity to understand the behaviors which underlie almost all conflict and violence."
Here is Field's comprehensive definition of workplace bullying, however, much of this is relevant to bullying and to psychological violence generally.
"Bullying is a compulsive need to displace aggression and is achieved by the expression of inadequacy (social, personal, interpersonal, behavioral, professional) by projection of that inadequacy onto others through control and subjugation (criticism, exclusion, isolation etc). Bullying is sustained by abdication of responsibility (denial, counter-accusation, pretense of victimhood) and perpetuated by a climate of fear, ignorance, indifference, silence, denial, disbelief, deception, evasion of accountability, tolerance and reward (eg promotion) for the bully."
What I love about Field's model is how he identifies counter-accusations and pretense of victimhood that sustain bullies. He associates this with denial and abdication of responsibility. He is absolutely right to place this behavior as part of the bullying definition and characteristic.
The workplace culture of bullying is surprising and significant. Field cited surveys from the UK and the USA which showed that those who worked in the caring fields are at the top of the list of bullied workers. This suggests a staggering, unconscionable possibility: the caring fields employ huge numbers of bullies.
Why do bullies work there? What is it about the culture of caring that shelters bullies? I have thoughts about that for a future post.
Make sure you check out the next post, about the specific things you can do to help someone targeted by bullies.
I didn't use a lot of links in this article, as I have a head injury and right now am not the best at footnotes and detail. I hope to add better citations in the future.
Look over these statistics on bullying in the American workplace, from a 2007 study by Zogby International.
--Bullying is four times more common than either sexual harassment or racial discrimination.
--37% of the American workforce has been bullied.
--72% of bullies are bosses.
--Only 3% of bullied targets file lawsuits. 40% never complain.
--Women are targets of bullying more frequently than men, and in 71% of the cases where women were targets, the bully was also a woman (this was in a heterosexual setting.)
--Bullying is stopped by the target leaving 77% of the time.
Laws and professional codes need to be tightened and enforced in order to guide appropriate behavior in our communities, particularly on the part of our bosses, but also on the part of teachers, clergy, therapists and other workers in the caring professions. Complaints of bullying need to be taken seriously, investigated properly, standards enforced, with bullies held accountable.
Bullying is a unique phenomenon in that frequently three parties and not two parties are involved. The parties are the bully, the target (not a victim) and the third parties such as witnesses. These third parties may be enablers, or they may be protectors of the targets, or they may be enforcers of prevailing norms of cultural virtue, or anywhere along this continuum. The phenomena and response of the third party is of primary significance in stopping bullying. Due to the importance of the three-party dynamic, neither therapy nor mediation is typically an appropriate avenue for stopping bullying. The key to stopping bullying is likely to have its roots in the previous paragraph.
Factors such as enabling on the part of third parties make bullying and its effects worse. These attitudes are often supported primarily by ignorance about what bullying and abuse is, and what it is not. Additionally, enablers may not know what enabling is, either. Enabling is often accompanied by an attitude of powerlessness over what can be done, sometimes with fears of social, financial and legal retaliation to those who speak out. The attitude of schadenfreude cannot be overlooked as a factor in enabling. And perhaps most significantly, a lack of meaningful intervention sometimes finds its intellectual, moral and spiritual roots in "idiot compassion" which was discussed in a truly great teaching by Karma Yogini here.
Other socially relevant factors in bullying include lack of protection for certain vulnerable populations. For example, those who are living with disabilities that affect cognition or affect one's ability to communicate and advocate are likely targets. The elderly are another probable target.
Of relevance is the scenario and background for workplace-related bullying. Workplace bullies typically act out when held accountable for their own shortcomings, inadequacies, or bad behavior. Some workplace bullies are threatened by their targets skills, or popularity, or innovative ideas.
Unfortunately the lesbian community is not immune to sexual misconduct and sexual harassment. A woman who says no to another woman's sexual offers, may be targeted for retaliatory relational aggression, which is a form of bullying.
The bully discharges her own feelings of aggression on to a target. In yet another layer, the bully attempts to involve third parties in isolating the target from social, emotional, spiritual, collegial, or professional support. The bully uses and exploits her relationships in business or social networks. The web can often play a role in this.
Today bullying is magnified or intensified by the influence and power of the internet. The internet effect is significant because online communication is instantaneous and unregulated. Additionally, internet bullying reaches the target where she reads email and accesses social networking sites, such as previously safe areas, like the home or even the bedroom. Furthermore, those who live with disability may be more likely to socialize and communicate online. And some populations and special interest groups may make heavier use of the internet in order to self-identify and to connect, such as the LGBT population or some spiritual groups. For those in these impacted groups, attacks on one's internet persona, reputation, and work may be more critical and damaging.
When a bully uses many of these weapons such as relational aggression, the internet, and threatening the financial or professional livelihood of the target, the isolation and suffering can produce psychiatric injury, including complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. A target may develop suicidal thoughts, and suicide can sometimes result.
Understanding bullying can provide a glimpse into the human heart and condition. As a society, it's our moral mandate to develop practical, effective approaches to handling aggression, psychological aggression, and bullying. Tim Field, a pioneer on bullying and a world-renowned expert on the subject, believed "bullying was the single most important social issue of today, and that its study provided an opportunity to understand the behaviors which underlie almost all conflict and violence."
Here is Field's comprehensive definition of workplace bullying, however, much of this is relevant to bullying and to psychological violence generally.
"Bullying is a compulsive need to displace aggression and is achieved by the expression of inadequacy (social, personal, interpersonal, behavioral, professional) by projection of that inadequacy onto others through control and subjugation (criticism, exclusion, isolation etc). Bullying is sustained by abdication of responsibility (denial, counter-accusation, pretense of victimhood) and perpetuated by a climate of fear, ignorance, indifference, silence, denial, disbelief, deception, evasion of accountability, tolerance and reward (eg promotion) for the bully."
What I love about Field's model is how he identifies counter-accusations and pretense of victimhood that sustain bullies. He associates this with denial and abdication of responsibility. He is absolutely right to place this behavior as part of the bullying definition and characteristic.
The workplace culture of bullying is surprising and significant. Field cited surveys from the UK and the USA which showed that those who worked in the caring fields are at the top of the list of bullied workers. This suggests a staggering, unconscionable possibility: the caring fields employ huge numbers of bullies.
Why do bullies work there? What is it about the culture of caring that shelters bullies? I have thoughts about that for a future post.
Make sure you check out the next post, about the specific things you can do to help someone targeted by bullies.
I didn't use a lot of links in this article, as I have a head injury and right now am not the best at footnotes and detail. I hope to add better citations in the future.
Look over these statistics on bullying in the American workplace, from a 2007 study by Zogby International.
--Bullying is four times more common than either sexual harassment or racial discrimination.
--37% of the American workforce has been bullied.
--72% of bullies are bosses.
--Only 3% of bullied targets file lawsuits. 40% never complain.
--Women are targets of bullying more frequently than men, and in 71% of the cases where women were targets, the bully was also a woman (this was in a heterosexual setting.)
--Bullying is stopped by the target leaving 77% of the time.
I Broke Up With Paula Rubenstein
Labels:
Abuse,
Disability,
Lesbian,
LGBT,
Psychological aggression
This is a sensitive issue. Whenever I write about these issues, you can read more about my motives here. It's not my intention to harm or to embarass anyone. It is my intention to help others overcome abuse, bullying, power-tripping and disablism, even when done to us by our allies. The only way out is though it. We've just got to light a candle and tell our story, in the hope that we can make virtue stronger.
I dated Paula Rubenstein* for just a few weeks last year, and although she has many, many good points, I didn't like the way she treated me. I ended the relationship in December because of her emotional cruelty, and because I felt verbally and emotionally abused by her. And she pushed me. I cried a few times over all this.
I talked to her about all this, but she didn't stop. I was so sad and alone about this, but I'm proud of myself for ending things with her.
At the same time, I'm really afraid of Paula.
I knew Paula because I had been working as a volunteer on a project she was leading that pertains to disabled queers in a historical context. Paula is a paraplegic and uses a wheelchair, but in her case the paralysis is incomplete and she can actually walk. Paula is retired, owns a home, has a cottage she rents to a tenant, has a PhD, and once worked as some kind of therapist. She has many friends. In other words, she's well-connected and has power and voice.
She is a member of a left-leaning synagogue led by the rabbi who did nothing when I complained of relational aggression I experienced in retaliation for turning down some sexual offers by lesbians, one of whom turned out to be the "out" lesbian rabbi. I told part of that story before.
Back to Dr Rubenstein. Paula's good friend Robyn Britebart* was the project's Assistant Director, and at first both Robyn and Paula didn't want me to quit. I was very integral to the project.
I don't want to say too much about that. I'm afraid. But I really contributed a lot.
The same thing kept happening with Paula. And some promises to me weren't kept. I told Robyn, but it didn't stop.
The last straw was Paula pushing me twice more.
So just a month after breaking up with her, I quit the project. That was in January.
I was glad I got away from her. I consider myself lucky it didn't take me longer to see all this.
I am afraid of her.
I didn't know what she'd do to me next.
I'm not mad and I'm not looking to get back at her; I just want to get away from her.
And I want her to stay away from me.
The thing is, Paula could be anyone. She's just a dance. And I don't wanna dance with her anymore. Not that way.
So I'm learning some new steps and I'm trying them out.
(* I don't give real names due to a series of incidents online and offline.)
I dated Paula Rubenstein* for just a few weeks last year, and although she has many, many good points, I didn't like the way she treated me. I ended the relationship in December because of her emotional cruelty, and because I felt verbally and emotionally abused by her. And she pushed me. I cried a few times over all this.
I talked to her about all this, but she didn't stop. I was so sad and alone about this, but I'm proud of myself for ending things with her.
At the same time, I'm really afraid of Paula.
I knew Paula because I had been working as a volunteer on a project she was leading that pertains to disabled queers in a historical context. Paula is a paraplegic and uses a wheelchair, but in her case the paralysis is incomplete and she can actually walk. Paula is retired, owns a home, has a cottage she rents to a tenant, has a PhD, and once worked as some kind of therapist. She has many friends. In other words, she's well-connected and has power and voice.
She is a member of a left-leaning synagogue led by the rabbi who did nothing when I complained of relational aggression I experienced in retaliation for turning down some sexual offers by lesbians, one of whom turned out to be the "out" lesbian rabbi. I told part of that story before.
Back to Dr Rubenstein. Paula's good friend Robyn Britebart* was the project's Assistant Director, and at first both Robyn and Paula didn't want me to quit. I was very integral to the project.
I don't want to say too much about that. I'm afraid. But I really contributed a lot.
The same thing kept happening with Paula. And some promises to me weren't kept. I told Robyn, but it didn't stop.
The last straw was Paula pushing me twice more.
So just a month after breaking up with her, I quit the project. That was in January.
I was glad I got away from her. I consider myself lucky it didn't take me longer to see all this.
I am afraid of her.
I didn't know what she'd do to me next.
I'm not mad and I'm not looking to get back at her; I just want to get away from her.
And I want her to stay away from me.
The thing is, Paula could be anyone. She's just a dance. And I don't wanna dance with her anymore. Not that way.
So I'm learning some new steps and I'm trying them out.
(* I don't give real names due to a series of incidents online and offline.)
To Make A Difference
Labels:
Abuse,
Disability,
Disablism,
Lesbian,
LGBT,
Psychological aggression,
Spirituality,
Strategies
What really concerns me is the spiritual question. How do you go through an experience like this from a spiritual standpoint? Do we stick our head in the sand? Do we hide in therapist's offices? Do we play iPods with wind chimes and flutes and chants -- until we drown out reallity? Do we meditate until we find Samadhi? Do we throw back a handful of Prozac, or alcohol cocktails, or smoke medicinal marijuana all day? Do we lose ourselves in Torah or in religious ecstasy? Do we find sexual partners and do nest-building?
Or do we speak out on behalf of creating a safer, healthier community for us all?
If we speak out, won't others tear us down? Won't we inspire jealousy from the Old Guard Lefties and Handlers and Allies?
How do we speak out in ways that really educate, and in ways that provide tools to shape our independence, and build community, and perhaps shed some of those who make their living off us not with us?
And on a personal note, what does any of this have to do with meditation or Yoga, or any of the other things I really care about? For me, this advocacy can sometimes feel like a real intrusion, and in some ways, I can feel trapped into viewing it as a waste of my time on this earth.
I start to think, I just want to minimize this time suck, and focus on more meaningful things.
On the other hand, I find meaning in this. I'm not here to vent, nor to do self-analysis, nor to power-trip. I'm not here to embarass anyone, or to harm anyone.
I'm here to make a difference.
It's my aim to contribute. It's my purpose to help teach about the subtle, yet institutionalized forms of disablism, prejudice, ignorance, imbalance of power, psychological aggression, bullying, internet bullying, relational aggression, enabling, jealousy, competition for resources or competition to become "the voice" of the community, especially as found among the LGBT community, the spiritual community, the healing community, the disability community, the political left, and our allies.
My goal is to empower each other to overcome it.
Or do we speak out on behalf of creating a safer, healthier community for us all?
If we speak out, won't others tear us down? Won't we inspire jealousy from the Old Guard Lefties and Handlers and Allies?
How do we speak out in ways that really educate, and in ways that provide tools to shape our independence, and build community, and perhaps shed some of those who make their living off us not with us?
And on a personal note, what does any of this have to do with meditation or Yoga, or any of the other things I really care about? For me, this advocacy can sometimes feel like a real intrusion, and in some ways, I can feel trapped into viewing it as a waste of my time on this earth.
I start to think, I just want to minimize this time suck, and focus on more meaningful things.
On the other hand, I find meaning in this. I'm not here to vent, nor to do self-analysis, nor to power-trip. I'm not here to embarass anyone, or to harm anyone.
I'm here to make a difference.
It's my aim to contribute. It's my purpose to help teach about the subtle, yet institutionalized forms of disablism, prejudice, ignorance, imbalance of power, psychological aggression, bullying, internet bullying, relational aggression, enabling, jealousy, competition for resources or competition to become "the voice" of the community, especially as found among the LGBT community, the spiritual community, the healing community, the disability community, the political left, and our allies.
My goal is to empower each other to overcome it.
I'm Afraid to Leave My Apartment
Labels:
Abuse,
Bullying,
Disability,
Enabling,
Jewish,
Lesbian,
Psychological aggression,
Relational Aggression,
Slander
Today I was threatened.
I was told I "better not show up at any synagogues I had been going to." And on shabbat, no less! I was told I "better watch my back." I was told the whole community is against me, specifically the butch lesbian community, the Jewish community, and the disabled community. I was insulted and called a wack job.
I called the cops and reported it. The perp was a lesbian.
This is not the first time it's happened. Another lesbian perp called me an asshole and said she'd "kick my ass" a few weeks ago. I reported her too.
When I do go out socially, I'm sometimes met with a reaction that's somewhere between polite freeze and open hostility. Sometimes a woman might refuse to tell me her name, especially if she's just been publicly rude or insulting to me. Since the bullying started, I haven't been making many new friends.
I rarely go out, and when I do, I don't go out alone.
Some nice women who have been friendly to me have been affected, too. Two moderators of lesbian Yahoogroups have received slanderous email about me. Additionally, a moderator of an entirely different Yahoogroup for lesbians has written and posted slanderous email to about a thousand women on that list. No doubt others have received similar email, or have heard whispers, or in some way have been affected by this defamation of character.
It's all gone way too far and I really wish it would end.
The way to end it is to speak out against it. Another important step involves getting the right information.
Some of us apparently don't know what bullying is. But we can learn to recognize psychological aggression, emotional cruelty and other forms of bullying and abuse. It's not the same thing as getting upset, losing your temper, standing up for yourself, or telling someone you're really angry at them. It's not repeatedly asking for the same piece of information because you lost or forgot or misunderstood it. And it's wrong to call someone a bully for doing any of these normal things. Which leads to the next point.
If you don't know what abuse is, you prolly don't know who the victim is. Did you know that in lesbian relationships it's not uncommon for the bully to pose as the victim? Think about it. A bully incites others against the target, and wants to feel supported doing it. So a bully creates confusion and may even count on it. An enabler doesn't want accurate information either.
A victim may try to run away or leave, but have difficulty doing so. On the other hand, some victims may leave a relationship or a work position very suddenly. They may call police for protection, or ask to stay with friends, or even leave the area. A victim is badly frightened and likely has psychiatric injury (not illness) called PTSD, as a result of the bullying, and this can impact decision-making.
A victim is likely to be a newcomer, and socially isolated, and different from the rest of the community in some way. A victim is often very trusting, quite nice, and truly vulnerable; bullies pick up on this. If a victim is bullied at work, she likely has ideas, is competent, innovative, well-liked, independent, and is viewed by the bully as a threat.
A bully often has some position of power she is abusing in order to harm someone. In the case of lesbian relationships, the abuser is not necessarily physically dominant, and may not even be vocally loud. Instead she dominates in other areas of control. She may be a boss, or have credentials or titles, or have money, or have a higher IQ, or she may be more verbal, or she may just have many more friends or social networks. Obviously these traits aren't signs of abuse, they are simply signs of dominance.
Often lesbian relationships are featured by mixed dominance, where neither partner is clearly dominant, or where dominance shifts over time, or where both partners lightly vie for dominance. These situations, should they ever become abusive, can lead to devastating cruelty, as the abuser amps up her efforts to surpass her perception of the victim's supposed dominance, in order to hurt or gain control over the victim.
A bully is not merely having a bad day, nor is she simply angry over a perceived slight by the target. Instead, a bully or abuser is likely to resort to psychological aggression and other cruelties when she is held accountable for her actions. Therefore, bullying can be seen as an expression of retaliation for being confronted over the bully's own inadequacies or behaviors, or when being confronted with the reality of independence and autonomy of others. Fundamentally, bullying is about power and control.
In communities and cultures where bullying flourishes, it flourishes because it's tolerated and enabled. It seems counter-intuitive, but when it comes to bullying, the response of third parties is a huge predictor of outcome. It is not simply the response of the victim or the actions of the bully that determines outcome. In short, she very likely wouldn't be doing it if you, dear reader, told her in no uncertain terms she needs to stop it right now, and that you don't support her actions.
We can and should hold our friends and acquaintances accountable for their actions, as well as their inaction. Passive aggression is aggression. It's psychological aggression. Deliberately withholding needed support or needed resources is a form of psychological aggression. Let's all hope that when it happens, it's based on ignorance rather than prejudice. Ignorance is easier to fix.
We can begin to conquer our ignorance by taking responsibility for the impact of our silence, by recognizing we are interdependent, and by understanding some populations truly are more vulnerable and therefore need special protection. When we don't speak out against internet bullying, relational aggression, scapegoating, or socially-isolating someone, frankly, that enables it to continue. When we minimize relational aggression as a simple disagreement or conflict, that's enabling too. When we suggest we have some religious or spiritual excuse to engage in these behaviors, it's enabling, it's immoral, and it's a form of spiritual abuse.
When we suggest that victims toughen up or shut up or put up with it -- lest the victim disturb or inconvenience the routine of the enabler -- that is not only enabling, it is prolly more deeply destructive than the abuse in the first place. Yes ladies, the silent enabler can do more damage than the flagrant bully.
There's no excuse for silence. Nor is there an excuse for laziness. Or selfishness. We can't absolve ourselves of moral responsibility by throwing our hands in the air and muttering something about "here we go again" with the "lesbian drama." Nor can we tell a victim that we don't have time for her problems. Nor can we mis-use mental health concepts in order to form excuses like "healthy boundaries" prevented me from helping; or my own "journey away from co-dependency" made me think you'd "depend" on help, or I really need to focus on myself (all day, everyday, for weeks, or months?) so I can't help.
Actually, one can do all those things, but then let's not call it morally responsible behavior. Let's call it immaturity or ignorance. Because that's what it is. And let's try to overcome that together. As the AIDS crisis taught us, when a community gets sick, it's everyone's problem. And it's everyone's responsibility to find solutions. What's happening here is, and I really hate to say it, we have sickness in our community. And it's a real scourge. And it's everyone's problem and everyone's responsibility.
But take heart, change is at the door. The question is, do we have the courage to let her in?
We stopped the AIDS crisis; now let's stop the bullying crisis.
If you want to learn more about what you can do to end bullying and abuse, start by learning the facts. Then get involved by participating in constructive, healthy and educational discussion. And stay tuned to this blog.
I was told I "better not show up at any synagogues I had been going to." And on shabbat, no less! I was told I "better watch my back." I was told the whole community is against me, specifically the butch lesbian community, the Jewish community, and the disabled community. I was insulted and called a wack job.
I called the cops and reported it. The perp was a lesbian.
This is not the first time it's happened. Another lesbian perp called me an asshole and said she'd "kick my ass" a few weeks ago. I reported her too.
When I do go out socially, I'm sometimes met with a reaction that's somewhere between polite freeze and open hostility. Sometimes a woman might refuse to tell me her name, especially if she's just been publicly rude or insulting to me. Since the bullying started, I haven't been making many new friends.
I rarely go out, and when I do, I don't go out alone.
Some nice women who have been friendly to me have been affected, too. Two moderators of lesbian Yahoogroups have received slanderous email about me. Additionally, a moderator of an entirely different Yahoogroup for lesbians has written and posted slanderous email to about a thousand women on that list. No doubt others have received similar email, or have heard whispers, or in some way have been affected by this defamation of character.
It's all gone way too far and I really wish it would end.
The way to end it is to speak out against it. Another important step involves getting the right information.
Some of us apparently don't know what bullying is. But we can learn to recognize psychological aggression, emotional cruelty and other forms of bullying and abuse. It's not the same thing as getting upset, losing your temper, standing up for yourself, or telling someone you're really angry at them. It's not repeatedly asking for the same piece of information because you lost or forgot or misunderstood it. And it's wrong to call someone a bully for doing any of these normal things. Which leads to the next point.
If you don't know what abuse is, you prolly don't know who the victim is. Did you know that in lesbian relationships it's not uncommon for the bully to pose as the victim? Think about it. A bully incites others against the target, and wants to feel supported doing it. So a bully creates confusion and may even count on it. An enabler doesn't want accurate information either.
A victim may try to run away or leave, but have difficulty doing so. On the other hand, some victims may leave a relationship or a work position very suddenly. They may call police for protection, or ask to stay with friends, or even leave the area. A victim is badly frightened and likely has psychiatric injury (not illness) called PTSD, as a result of the bullying, and this can impact decision-making.
A victim is likely to be a newcomer, and socially isolated, and different from the rest of the community in some way. A victim is often very trusting, quite nice, and truly vulnerable; bullies pick up on this. If a victim is bullied at work, she likely has ideas, is competent, innovative, well-liked, independent, and is viewed by the bully as a threat.
A bully often has some position of power she is abusing in order to harm someone. In the case of lesbian relationships, the abuser is not necessarily physically dominant, and may not even be vocally loud. Instead she dominates in other areas of control. She may be a boss, or have credentials or titles, or have money, or have a higher IQ, or she may be more verbal, or she may just have many more friends or social networks. Obviously these traits aren't signs of abuse, they are simply signs of dominance.
Often lesbian relationships are featured by mixed dominance, where neither partner is clearly dominant, or where dominance shifts over time, or where both partners lightly vie for dominance. These situations, should they ever become abusive, can lead to devastating cruelty, as the abuser amps up her efforts to surpass her perception of the victim's supposed dominance, in order to hurt or gain control over the victim.
A bully is not merely having a bad day, nor is she simply angry over a perceived slight by the target. Instead, a bully or abuser is likely to resort to psychological aggression and other cruelties when she is held accountable for her actions. Therefore, bullying can be seen as an expression of retaliation for being confronted over the bully's own inadequacies or behaviors, or when being confronted with the reality of independence and autonomy of others. Fundamentally, bullying is about power and control.
In communities and cultures where bullying flourishes, it flourishes because it's tolerated and enabled. It seems counter-intuitive, but when it comes to bullying, the response of third parties is a huge predictor of outcome. It is not simply the response of the victim or the actions of the bully that determines outcome. In short, she very likely wouldn't be doing it if you, dear reader, told her in no uncertain terms she needs to stop it right now, and that you don't support her actions.
We can and should hold our friends and acquaintances accountable for their actions, as well as their inaction. Passive aggression is aggression. It's psychological aggression. Deliberately withholding needed support or needed resources is a form of psychological aggression. Let's all hope that when it happens, it's based on ignorance rather than prejudice. Ignorance is easier to fix.
We can begin to conquer our ignorance by taking responsibility for the impact of our silence, by recognizing we are interdependent, and by understanding some populations truly are more vulnerable and therefore need special protection. When we don't speak out against internet bullying, relational aggression, scapegoating, or socially-isolating someone, frankly, that enables it to continue. When we minimize relational aggression as a simple disagreement or conflict, that's enabling too. When we suggest we have some religious or spiritual excuse to engage in these behaviors, it's enabling, it's immoral, and it's a form of spiritual abuse.
When we suggest that victims toughen up or shut up or put up with it -- lest the victim disturb or inconvenience the routine of the enabler -- that is not only enabling, it is prolly more deeply destructive than the abuse in the first place. Yes ladies, the silent enabler can do more damage than the flagrant bully.
There's no excuse for silence. Nor is there an excuse for laziness. Or selfishness. We can't absolve ourselves of moral responsibility by throwing our hands in the air and muttering something about "here we go again" with the "lesbian drama." Nor can we tell a victim that we don't have time for her problems. Nor can we mis-use mental health concepts in order to form excuses like "healthy boundaries" prevented me from helping; or my own "journey away from co-dependency" made me think you'd "depend" on help, or I really need to focus on myself (all day, everyday, for weeks, or months?) so I can't help.
Actually, one can do all those things, but then let's not call it morally responsible behavior. Let's call it immaturity or ignorance. Because that's what it is. And let's try to overcome that together. As the AIDS crisis taught us, when a community gets sick, it's everyone's problem. And it's everyone's responsibility to find solutions. What's happening here is, and I really hate to say it, we have sickness in our community. And it's a real scourge. And it's everyone's problem and everyone's responsibility.
But take heart, change is at the door. The question is, do we have the courage to let her in?
We stopped the AIDS crisis; now let's stop the bullying crisis.
If you want to learn more about what you can do to end bullying and abuse, start by learning the facts. Then get involved by participating in constructive, healthy and educational discussion. And stay tuned to this blog.
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