What You Can Do to Help Those Targeted by Bullies

This is a continuation of the last article I wrote about bullying in the lesbian community. This piece focuses on how a witness or third party can help those targeted by an abuser.

It's a quick sketch or list of what To Do and what Not To Do if you want to help someone who's being bullied, or if you want to help someone who's experiencing psychological violence. If you need a definition of bullying, check out my last post, which used Tim Field's definition -- geared to describing workplace bullies, but with much that applies to general bullying, psychological violence, and relational aggression.

Some of what I suggest is specific to helping and protecting a member of a vulnerable population, as I have cognitive difficulties resulting from a head injury.

I wrote this pretty fast. I hope to have other ideas in the future.

Ok, here we go.

Do This right away:
--Validate my experience.
--Protect me.
--Ask me what I need, and think in terms of interventions that would make the Red Cross proud, and things which would be helpful under extreme trauma or PTSD: soup, a blanket, an arm around the shoulder, a kleenex to cry into, a wash cloth on a swollen face, a good night's sleep.
--Encourage me to eat.
--Check on me often.
--Reassure me that one day this will end.
--Tell me that you'll be there for me, and then demonstrate that by actually being there for me.
--I might not be able to rally enough to get out of the house and join you in a worthy activity, so kindly consider coming over and sitting with me.
--Tell me you don't approve of the bullying behavior.
--Tell others you don't approve of bullying behavior.
--Tell me I'm not to blame, that I didn't invite it, and that I didn't provoke it.
--Call for safety in the community.
--Let me know that you know this is abuse and psychological violence.

As I begin to comprehend, and as I deal with the fog, continue to Do This:
--Help me name what's happening: psychological violence, psychological aggression, psychological harassment, emotional abuse, internet bullying, undermining social relationships, destructive interpersonal misconduct, ethics violations, professional conduct violations, etc.
--Help me name what enablers are doing: minimizing, distorting, denying, making excuses, etc.
--Remind me that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Remind others that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Acknowledge limits of conventional wisdom ie, "therapy, conflict resolution, and ignoring the bullying are not going to make you safe, nor will this end bullying, which is the result you need and deserve."
--Suggest specific action I can take to end the abuse.
--Encourage me to educate myself properly about bullying, mobbing and the effects of abuse.
--Invite me places.
--Show concern for my safety.

As I take action to get it to stop, continue to Do This:
--See what you can do to help me document the situation, or support my efforts to do that.
--Consider following up with me about documentation and appointments.
--Consider accompanying me for support when I visit attorneys, police, clergy, other people at the job, or other intimidating professionals.
--Be savvy about the bully's tendency to counter-claim that she's the victim.
--Help educate yourself, me and others.
--Encourage me to obtain proper and appropriate support, anti-bullying support groups, attorneys, police, cameras, documentation.
--Encourage me to avoid support from inappropriate avenues, the bully's boss, the bully's good friends, the bully's family, the bully's business partners or project partners, etc.

As I recover physically, spiritually and emotionally, continue to Do This:
--Validate my experience.
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--See what my needs are.
--Suggest getting outside and taking walks in safe areas.
--Suggest soothing activities like baths, or meditation, or soft music, or whatever the target has found comforting and sustaining.
--Continue to protect me.
--Be open to my interest and transformation toward spiritual meaning.

As we as a community recover, continue to Do This:
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--Back me up when I call for safety in the community.
--Identify bullying behavior and enabling behavior with correct terms.
--Where appropriate, help author a professional or ethical code of conduct that includes anti-bullying language.
--Help enforce the code of conduct.
--Help hold offenders accountable.
--Help keep an eye on vulnerable and under-served populations.

...

Next comes the list of what not to do. This list comes from actual comments or explanations of people's decisions and attitudes. Although these often are direct quotes, others are approximations. This may typify what folks say when they want to justify enabling, since very little of this comes from supporters of the bully. Where I was able to, I tried to give examples of how some statements directly contradict each other. This was easier than you may think, since often the two sides of contradicting advice would be given by the same person, which surprised me. Also, I've tried to take particular care to document the pseudo-spiritual and pseudo-therapeutic stylings that are out there. I find them rather fascinating, misguided, and sad. It sure hasn't been fun to experience this cacophony. Sometimes it's as bad or worse as the bullying itself.

When you talk to me, Don't Do this or make similar denying, or distracting or unhelpful statements:
You: "Just ignore it."
You: "Don't give me any information about what's going on for you, I don't want to know."
You: "I'm really busy at work right now. I'll probably be busy this whole quarter. That reminds me, can you volunteer to help me on my project? I sure could use it."
You: "I'm not here to meet your needs, you know."
You: "I'm not going to help you."
You: "People have lives. They don't want to get involved. They just want to stay out of it."
You: "What's your part?"
You: "Have you been looking at what you did to cause all this?"
You: "Have you looked at your patterns?"
You: "What did you do to bring this on?"
You: "Have you looked at how come this keeps happening to you?"
You: "You're just needy / complaining / upset / having a crisis."
You: "What you're describing just is not bullying."
You: "So what if it's bullying, it's not illegal."
You: "What, are you in junior high?"
You: "This is just a conflict."
You: "You two just don't get along."
You: "This is just a bad breakup."
You: "Your personalities are just so different."
You: "No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."
You: "If they treat you that way, why would you want to go there anyway?"
You: "We're all so sick of lesbian drama."
You: "I think both sides are in the wrong."
You: "This type of drama has been going on in the community since the 1970's."
You: "I've heard worse."
You: "Since you have a cognitive disability, how do you know you're not the one who's bullying others?"
You: "Hey, I've heard complaints about you, too."
You: "She says she's the victim."
You: "The bully says it was you who abused her."
You: "You can't let her (the bully) push you around, use your physical size."
You: "If you want my support, or if you are disappointed that you don't have my support, then you are guilting and manipulating me, and therefore it's you who are harassing me."
You: "If you are uncomfortable with our friendship because I am able to work closely with the bully, that's too bad. I am going to keep doing it. I am able to have good relationship with the bully and you are not."
You: "I doubt that what you say about her bullying you is true. She (the bully) has a professional title, or a home, or standing in the community, or many friends, or a degree in peace work, or a degree in spiritual work, or a degree in therapy, or some other important symbol guaranteeing and authenticating her."
You: "Everyone knows she (the bully) is a joke. No one pays any attention to her. So just consider the source. It's not a big deal."
You: "I'm sick of your victim crap."
You: "Why didn't you stand up for yourself sooner?"
You: "There's nothing I can do."
You: "There's nothing anyone can do."
You: "We can't legislate human behavior."
You: "Nobody has to be nice, nor can we force them to be good."
You: "It's not bullying. It's just people sharing their feelings about you."
You: "She (the bully) is simply a passionate person."
You: "You're really putting too much passion into this."
You: "We all have our problems."
You: "Who are we to judge?"
You: "So just stop working there."
You: "So just stop using the internet."
You: "So just don't go to parties where you might run into these people."
You: "So just lay low for a month."
You: "Just pull yourself together."
You: "Just make the best of it."
You: "This is what psychotherapy is for."
You: "If you don't like how it feels to be treated this way, go to therapy and deal with those feelings."
You: "Instead of complaining about others, learn to accept others, and tolerate each others' differences."
You: "Aren't you a yogini / meditator / torah student / 12-stepper ? You're not being very spiritual."
You: "Aren't you supposed to be a community leader / peer counselor / mentor/ trainee ? You're not being very insightful / professional / mature about all this."
You: "I don't like that you sound so angry."
You: "This doesn't feel very good to me, to hear you talk this way."
You: "You're so upset. Relax. Let go of it."
You: "This is simply a matter of your perceptions. If you change your viewpoint, you will change your life."
You: "Everything is an illusion."
You: "Who died and put you in charge of morality?"
You: "Yeah right, you're the sole source of virtue."
You: "Two years ago, you were really upset with me for a few sentences. I'll bet you've done that again and forgotten."
You: "A supporter of the bully said you were loud on the phone and you complained. You're the problem."
You: "Why are you taking your private problems public? That's not right."
You: "This is just gossip. That's not right."
You: "You know, once we're adults we're supposed to just pick up the phone and talk things over.
You: "This is between you and her. I'm not involved. And I don't wanna be."
You: "You're escalating everything by taking this to corporate / bosses / witnesses / police / attorneys / the public / the board of directors/ the national board of oversight of whatever."
You: "The bully has a problem with you. And this has happened to you more than once, since your disability. Doesn't that say something about you? It's you. You're the problem."
You: "Life is a series of lessons. Have you learned any? It doesn't sound like it. Have you learned what to do differently in the future? I don't think so. Have you learned what you could have done that would have prevented it?"
You: "Look, the community is so much broader than you realize. Hardly anyone uses the internet, or goes to parties, or dances, or volunteers, or does activist work, or plays music, or goes to synagogue. You can easily find a new community within the community."

Ok, that's the list. I suppose the one that's my favorite example of an absurd remark is:
"No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."

It's just so illogical. What does it say about a community that uses this type of silly thinking, to support such a dangerous and hurtful situation?

I work really hard to deal with my cognitive situation. What in the world are others working on?

Introduction to Understanding the Bullying Epidemic

This article is born of firsthand experience being the target of adult bullying and relational aggression in the lesbian community; in lesbian volunteer communities and our projects; and in spiritual community such as synagogues. Bullying and psychological violence is due to a problem with the aggressor, not the target. Numerous social factors magnify the epidemic of bullying in our communities. Specific common sense steps can and should be taken to support those who have been bullied, and to help ensure safe, moral, healthy community for us all.

Laws and professional codes need to be tightened and enforced in order to guide appropriate behavior in our communities, particularly on the part of our bosses, but also on the part of teachers, clergy, therapists and other workers in the caring professions. Complaints of bullying need to be taken seriously, investigated properly, standards enforced, with bullies held accountable.

Bullying is a unique phenomenon in that frequently three parties and not two parties are involved. The parties are the bully, the target (not a victim) and the third parties such as witnesses. These third parties may be enablers, or they may be protectors of the targets, or they may be enforcers of prevailing norms of cultural virtue, or anywhere along this continuum. The phenomena and response of the third party is of primary significance in stopping bullying. Due to the importance of the three-party dynamic, neither therapy nor mediation is typically an appropriate avenue for stopping bullying. The key to stopping bullying is likely to have its roots in the previous paragraph.

Factors such as enabling on the part of third parties make bullying and its effects worse. These attitudes are often supported primarily by ignorance about what bullying and abuse is, and what it is not. Additionally, enablers may not know what enabling is, either. Enabling is often accompanied by an attitude of powerlessness over what can be done, sometimes with fears of social, financial and legal retaliation to those who speak out. The attitude of schadenfreude cannot be overlooked as a factor in enabling. And perhaps most significantly, a lack of meaningful intervention sometimes finds its intellectual, moral and spiritual roots in "idiot compassion" which was discussed in a truly great teaching by Karma Yogini here.

Other socially relevant factors in bullying include lack of protection for certain vulnerable populations. For example, those who are living with disabilities that affect cognition or affect one's ability to communicate and advocate are likely targets. The elderly are another probable target.

Of relevance is the scenario and background for workplace-related bullying. Workplace bullies typically act out when held accountable for their own shortcomings, inadequacies, or bad behavior. Some workplace bullies are threatened by their targets skills, or popularity, or innovative ideas.

Unfortunately the lesbian community is not immune to sexual misconduct and sexual harassment. A woman who says no to another woman's sexual offers, may be targeted for retaliatory relational aggression, which is a form of bullying.

The bully discharges her own feelings of aggression on to a target. In yet another layer, the bully attempts to involve third parties in isolating the target from social, emotional, spiritual, collegial, or professional support. The bully uses and exploits her relationships in business or social networks. The web can often play a role in this.

Today bullying is magnified or intensified by the influence and power of the internet. The internet effect is significant because online communication is instantaneous and unregulated. Additionally, internet bullying reaches the target where she reads email and accesses social networking sites, such as previously safe areas, like the home or even the bedroom. Furthermore, those who live with disability may be more likely to socialize and communicate online. And some populations and special interest groups may make heavier use of the internet in order to self-identify and to connect, such as the LGBT population or some spiritual groups. For those in these impacted groups, attacks on one's internet persona, reputation, and work may be more critical and damaging.

When a bully uses many of these weapons such as relational aggression, the internet, and threatening the financial or professional livelihood of the target, the isolation and suffering can produce psychiatric injury, including complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. A target may develop suicidal thoughts, and suicide can sometimes result.

Understanding bullying can provide a glimpse into the human heart and condition. As a society, it's our moral mandate to develop practical, effective approaches to handling aggression, psychological aggression, and bullying. Tim Field, a pioneer on bullying and a world-renowned expert on the subject, believed "bullying was the single most important social issue of today, and that its study provided an opportunity to understand the behaviors which underlie almost all conflict and violence."

Here is Field's comprehensive definition of workplace bullying, however, much of this is relevant to bullying and to psychological violence generally.
"Bullying is a compulsive need to displace aggression and is achieved by the expression of inadequacy (social, personal, interpersonal, behavioral, professional) by projection of that inadequacy onto others through control and subjugation (criticism, exclusion, isolation etc). Bullying is sustained by abdication of responsibility (denial, counter-accusation, pretense of victimhood) and perpetuated by a climate of fear, ignorance, indifference, silence, denial, disbelief, deception, evasion of accountability, tolerance and reward (eg promotion) for the bully."

What I love about Field's model is how he identifies counter-accusations and pretense of victimhood that sustain bullies. He associates this with denial and abdication of responsibility. He is absolutely right to place this behavior as part of the bullying definition and characteristic.

The workplace culture of bullying is surprising and significant. Field cited surveys from the UK and the USA which showed that those who worked in the caring fields are at the top of the list of bullied workers. This suggests a staggering, unconscionable possibility: the caring fields employ huge numbers of bullies.

Why do bullies work there? What is it about the culture of caring that shelters bullies? I have thoughts about that for a future post.

Make sure you check out the next post, about the specific things you can do to help someone targeted by bullies.

I didn't use a lot of links in this article, as I have a head injury and right now am not the best at footnotes and detail. I hope to add better citations in the future.

Look over these statistics on bullying in the American workplace, from a 2007 study by Zogby International.

--Bullying is four times more common than either sexual harassment or racial discrimination.

--37% of the American workforce has been bullied.

--72% of bullies are bosses.

--Only 3% of bullied targets file lawsuits. 40% never complain.

--Women are targets of bullying more frequently than men, and in 71% of the cases where women were targets, the bully was also a woman (this was in a heterosexual setting.)

--Bullying is stopped by the target leaving 77% of the time.

New Internet Bullying

Yesterday a friend of mine, Judy Siegal*, was the target of a very disparaging note on Facebook. She is probably my best friend in the world. She's got multiple sclerosis. I went over to her apartment and stayed with her.

The person who wrote the Facebook note shared it with quite a few people, and some of them have shared it with others.

The author of the note is Ricki Black*, the same person I wrote about in an earlier post here. Ricki is the woman who told me I better not go back to synagogue, and that many communities are angry at me, and that I'm not wanted, and that I'd better watch my back.

Late yesterday night, Paula Rubenstein*, a woman I dated briefly last year, posted a disparaging note about me on her Facebook wall. She added additional disparaging posts about me to her Facebook wall this morning, and sadly, a few of her friends responded to support her.

I know what you're thinking, are they teen-agers?

These women are 50 years old and they're acting this way. It's really sad. I wrote about Paula in a post here.

I've been upset about it, and I'm concerned and even a little scared when I realize that decent people are getting a strong dose of all that, yet they don't have accurate information to counter it with.

Today I'm a little sick and nauseous from the after effects of a migraine. But I have suppositories to control vomiting and I took one.

Certainly there are physical, emotional and social effects of what Paula and Ricki are doing. But what really concerns me is the spiritual side of it.

When people mistreat me, slander me, defame me, threaten me, mock me, I ask myself what's the spiritual way to handle it?

Should I fight back? Do I need to defend myself?

Is it spiritual to fight?

Is it spiritual to let your name and the name of your friend be defamed, and to allow a community to become riled up, and to do nothing when bullied or lied about?

How does one practice non-attachment under these circumstances?

How do I practice Yogic and Buddhist principles around this?

If my true interests are meditation and yoga, and I seek enlightenment, how does engaging in these worldy conflicts advance that?

In following Yogic and Buddhist ideals, am I following the right virtues?

If I want to meditate all day and do yoga, then shouldn't I move to a temple and do it there?

Last night Durga and I spoke by phone and she gave me a pep talk about the Bhagavad Gita. Durga is a classmate from Yoga Teacher Training, and the Bhagavad Gita is one of our texts. It's a 2,500-year-old allegorical spiritual story, and even Mohatma Gandhi has written about it. She reminded me of Arjuna's inner conflict on the eve of war against his family, his teachers, his friends. He didn't want to go to war. He preferred inaction. He was upset and confused and confronted Krishna about this.

"How can I wage war against my family and my teachers?" is the essence of the young man's question to Krishna.

Another of Arjuna's questions is, "Why can't I just do nothing instead?"

Krishna answered in a way that allowed Arjuna to see it was his duty to go to war. He helped Arjuna to see the world would fall out of balance if the young man did not restore order, justice and truth.

You just don't attach to that war's outcome.

Do I have the strength of Arjuna?

To Make A Difference

What really concerns me is the spiritual question. How do you go through an experience like this from a spiritual standpoint? Do we stick our head in the sand? Do we hide in therapist's offices? Do we play iPods with wind chimes and flutes and chants -- until we drown out reallity? Do we meditate until we find Samadhi? Do we throw back a handful of Prozac, or alcohol cocktails, or smoke medicinal marijuana all day? Do we lose ourselves in Torah or in religious ecstasy? Do we find sexual partners and do nest-building?

Or do we speak out on behalf of creating a safer, healthier community for us all?

If we speak out, won't others tear us down? Won't we inspire jealousy from the Old Guard Lefties and Handlers and Allies?

How do we speak out in ways that really educate, and in ways that provide tools to shape our independence, and build community, and perhaps shed some of those who make their living off us not with us?

And on a personal note, what does any of this have to do with meditation or Yoga, or any of the other things I really care about? For me, this advocacy can sometimes feel like a real intrusion, and in some ways, I can feel trapped into viewing it as a waste of my time on this earth.

I start to think, I just want to minimize this time suck, and focus on more meaningful things.

On the other hand, I find meaning in this. I'm not here to vent, nor to do self-analysis, nor to power-trip. I'm not here to embarass anyone, or to harm anyone.

I'm here to make a difference.

It's my aim to contribute. It's my purpose to help teach about the subtle, yet institutionalized forms of disablism, prejudice, ignorance, imbalance of power, psychological aggression, bullying, internet bullying, relational aggression, enabling, jealousy, competition for resources or competition to become "the voice" of the community, especially as found among the LGBT community, the spiritual community, the healing community, the disability community, the political left, and our allies.

My goal is to empower each other to overcome it.

Why I Blog

I feel the need to protect and to help myself and others.

I had a head injury several years ago and am disabled from it.

As a result I have or I have had Prosopagnosia, Nystygmus, Cerebral Achromatism, Dyscalculia, double vision, vision drop-out, headaches, neckaches, fatigue, problems navigating, difficulties with comprehension, memory and planning, and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember.

Normally, it's not that bad.

But, as Jean-Paul Sartre said, hell is other people. Since my accident, I have encountered a level of insensitivity, ignorance, and prejudice that I had never known before. It's been a real blow. Sometimes, I've experienced cruelty, and I haven't felt safe in social settings, in places of worship, in volunteer projects. It seems I am more vulnerable to relational aggression, which is like a form of social bullying or internet bullying. And it hurts. So far, I haven't been able to protect myself very well from it. Unfortunately this has happened in the LGBT community.

I hope over time the tide will turn. I know it will.

It occurred to me that if I blog, I would be better protected and perhaps less vulnerable. Maybe I would improve my skills and remember more, and be taken advantage of less, and be treated better. And if I really can't remember more, at least I'll have something true to look back at.

And I always wanted to tell my story. Who doesn't.

I'm proud of who I am. I don't feel ashamed or lacking. I know the secret. A human being is not defined by income or by IQ or status or even achievement, but by qualities of being. I'm really into qualities of being. I can be caring, I can be a good listener, I can be available, be friendly, be present, be creative, be meditative, be supportive, be kind, be patient, be spontaneous, be funny, be free. It's easy for me. Other people don't have time to just be. Their ego drives them to other things. But I've had an amazing spiritual journey.

By writing I also hope to reach out to other folks with disability, particularly those with similar issues. I'd like to share solutions and strategies.

And hey, maybe I'll be able to write about many other things in life that aren't disability-related. Like art, music, technology, sports, yoga, spirituality, comedy, and the economy.

I think that's a pretty good list.