Judy's Olive Branch to Paula

As I was leaving an event this weekend, Judy phoned my cell and told me she'd been communicating with Paula.

Paula wanted to post something to AbilityDykes*, which is the newsgroup Judy and I run. Paula has been suspended for harassing and flaming Judy Sierra and Nena Campbell, of LezOver45. They suspended her from both groups.

Anyway, Judy first offered to make the post on both lists for Paula. Then Judy offered to reinstate Paula so Paula could make the post herself.

When I heard all of this by cell, I was on the sidewalk about to have dinner at a restaurant with a new friend. So I wasn't really in a good space to talk, since I was in public, and was with someone. I just felt so exposed.

I felt really blind-sided by Judy. I was really struck by her timing. I had told her I wouldn't be available. I was really helpless to participate in a real discussion under those circumstances.

I didn't think Judy would ask Paula back without talking to me. Paula's been stirring people up, saying a bunch of things about Judy and me and AbilityDykes, and LezOver45. As you recall, Paula reacted to her suspension by starting a boycott against the two lists, claiming we discriminated against her and censored her.

LezOver45 has been particularly hurt by the boycott. Women in the 45 and over age group have chosen to make their posts on DykeOver45 instead. Bear in mind I'm not involved in this over 45 group.

So here's my best friend telling me she's talking to Paula out of the blue, and telling Paula she can re-join the lists. I didn't know what was going on. I got pretty frightened. I started crying a little.

The conversation went something like this, but part of the conversation actually happened the next day:

Me: I can't believe you would offer an olive branch without talking to me first. Why did you do that?
Judy: Paula wrote to me and I responded.

Me: We just saw each other two hours ago. You couldn't have waited another hour until I got home?
Judy: I wanted to deal with it.

Me: Were you going to put her back on the list without even talking to me first?
Judy: No, I'm telling you now.

Me: But you already emailed her and offered this, without even talking to me first. I mean the problem is you offered this to her on your own, without talking to me first. Why didn't you talk to me first?
Judy: I just wanted to see what she would say. I wouldn't have put her back on without talking to you first. I don't really want her on.

Me: So you told her she could get back on the list, even though you knew you weren't going to let her on? Why did you do that?
Judy: I just wanted to see what she would say. I don't know if I would put her on or not.

Me: Do you think Paula has continued to violate our safety guidelines without apology, and shown no remorse, and has even escalated her flames and harassing behavior, and has actually done things to get the suspension extended?
Judy: That's not how it works. I suspended her for 30 days, I checked the calendar, the suspension is over.

During the course of the conversation Judy starts to tell me she doesn't care about the disability list for lesbians anymore, and I started to feel so sad. I care about our community and I don't want to be the only one who does. I felt frightened because this seemed like such a sudden reversal from Judy. It just seems so out of character for her. We hung up and promised to talk more later.

I had dinner with this new acquaintance but of course I didn't feel like socializing. I couldn't hold it together. I started crying during dinner. That was my best friend who just talked to me that way, and put me in a bad position and I was so sad, scared and hurt. I told this nice lady the story, and she was supportive, but I think she was also very surprised to learn all this was going on. I apologized for ruining her dinner.