What You Can Do to Help Those Targeted by Bullies

This is a continuation of the last article I wrote about bullying in the lesbian community. This piece focuses on how a witness or third party can help those targeted by an abuser.

It's a quick sketch or list of what To Do and what Not To Do if you want to help someone who's being bullied, or if you want to help someone who's experiencing psychological violence. If you need a definition of bullying, check out my last post, which used Tim Field's definition -- geared to describing workplace bullies, but with much that applies to general bullying, psychological violence, and relational aggression.

Some of what I suggest is specific to helping and protecting a member of a vulnerable population, as I have cognitive difficulties resulting from a head injury.

I wrote this pretty fast. I hope to have other ideas in the future.

Ok, here we go.

Do This right away:
--Validate my experience.
--Protect me.
--Ask me what I need, and think in terms of interventions that would make the Red Cross proud, and things which would be helpful under extreme trauma or PTSD: soup, a blanket, an arm around the shoulder, a kleenex to cry into, a wash cloth on a swollen face, a good night's sleep.
--Encourage me to eat.
--Check on me often.
--Reassure me that one day this will end.
--Tell me that you'll be there for me, and then demonstrate that by actually being there for me.
--I might not be able to rally enough to get out of the house and join you in a worthy activity, so kindly consider coming over and sitting with me.
--Tell me you don't approve of the bullying behavior.
--Tell others you don't approve of bullying behavior.
--Tell me I'm not to blame, that I didn't invite it, and that I didn't provoke it.
--Call for safety in the community.
--Let me know that you know this is abuse and psychological violence.

As I begin to comprehend, and as I deal with the fog, continue to Do This:
--Help me name what's happening: psychological violence, psychological aggression, psychological harassment, emotional abuse, internet bullying, undermining social relationships, destructive interpersonal misconduct, ethics violations, professional conduct violations, etc.
--Help me name what enablers are doing: minimizing, distorting, denying, making excuses, etc.
--Remind me that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Remind others that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Acknowledge limits of conventional wisdom ie, "therapy, conflict resolution, and ignoring the bullying are not going to make you safe, nor will this end bullying, which is the result you need and deserve."
--Suggest specific action I can take to end the abuse.
--Encourage me to educate myself properly about bullying, mobbing and the effects of abuse.
--Invite me places.
--Show concern for my safety.

As I take action to get it to stop, continue to Do This:
--See what you can do to help me document the situation, or support my efforts to do that.
--Consider following up with me about documentation and appointments.
--Consider accompanying me for support when I visit attorneys, police, clergy, other people at the job, or other intimidating professionals.
--Be savvy about the bully's tendency to counter-claim that she's the victim.
--Help educate yourself, me and others.
--Encourage me to obtain proper and appropriate support, anti-bullying support groups, attorneys, police, cameras, documentation.
--Encourage me to avoid support from inappropriate avenues, the bully's boss, the bully's good friends, the bully's family, the bully's business partners or project partners, etc.

As I recover physically, spiritually and emotionally, continue to Do This:
--Validate my experience.
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--See what my needs are.
--Suggest getting outside and taking walks in safe areas.
--Suggest soothing activities like baths, or meditation, or soft music, or whatever the target has found comforting and sustaining.
--Continue to protect me.
--Be open to my interest and transformation toward spiritual meaning.

As we as a community recover, continue to Do This:
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--Back me up when I call for safety in the community.
--Identify bullying behavior and enabling behavior with correct terms.
--Where appropriate, help author a professional or ethical code of conduct that includes anti-bullying language.
--Help enforce the code of conduct.
--Help hold offenders accountable.
--Help keep an eye on vulnerable and under-served populations.

...

Next comes the list of what not to do. This list comes from actual comments or explanations of people's decisions and attitudes. Although these often are direct quotes, others are approximations. This may typify what folks say when they want to justify enabling, since very little of this comes from supporters of the bully. Where I was able to, I tried to give examples of how some statements directly contradict each other. This was easier than you may think, since often the two sides of contradicting advice would be given by the same person, which surprised me. Also, I've tried to take particular care to document the pseudo-spiritual and pseudo-therapeutic stylings that are out there. I find them rather fascinating, misguided, and sad. It sure hasn't been fun to experience this cacophony. Sometimes it's as bad or worse as the bullying itself.

When you talk to me, Don't Do this or make similar denying, or distracting or unhelpful statements:
You: "Just ignore it."
You: "Don't give me any information about what's going on for you, I don't want to know."
You: "I'm really busy at work right now. I'll probably be busy this whole quarter. That reminds me, can you volunteer to help me on my project? I sure could use it."
You: "I'm not here to meet your needs, you know."
You: "I'm not going to help you."
You: "People have lives. They don't want to get involved. They just want to stay out of it."
You: "What's your part?"
You: "Have you been looking at what you did to cause all this?"
You: "Have you looked at your patterns?"
You: "What did you do to bring this on?"
You: "Have you looked at how come this keeps happening to you?"
You: "You're just needy / complaining / upset / having a crisis."
You: "What you're describing just is not bullying."
You: "So what if it's bullying, it's not illegal."
You: "What, are you in junior high?"
You: "This is just a conflict."
You: "You two just don't get along."
You: "This is just a bad breakup."
You: "Your personalities are just so different."
You: "No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."
You: "If they treat you that way, why would you want to go there anyway?"
You: "We're all so sick of lesbian drama."
You: "I think both sides are in the wrong."
You: "This type of drama has been going on in the community since the 1970's."
You: "I've heard worse."
You: "Since you have a cognitive disability, how do you know you're not the one who's bullying others?"
You: "Hey, I've heard complaints about you, too."
You: "She says she's the victim."
You: "The bully says it was you who abused her."
You: "You can't let her (the bully) push you around, use your physical size."
You: "If you want my support, or if you are disappointed that you don't have my support, then you are guilting and manipulating me, and therefore it's you who are harassing me."
You: "If you are uncomfortable with our friendship because I am able to work closely with the bully, that's too bad. I am going to keep doing it. I am able to have good relationship with the bully and you are not."
You: "I doubt that what you say about her bullying you is true. She (the bully) has a professional title, or a home, or standing in the community, or many friends, or a degree in peace work, or a degree in spiritual work, or a degree in therapy, or some other important symbol guaranteeing and authenticating her."
You: "Everyone knows she (the bully) is a joke. No one pays any attention to her. So just consider the source. It's not a big deal."
You: "I'm sick of your victim crap."
You: "Why didn't you stand up for yourself sooner?"
You: "There's nothing I can do."
You: "There's nothing anyone can do."
You: "We can't legislate human behavior."
You: "Nobody has to be nice, nor can we force them to be good."
You: "It's not bullying. It's just people sharing their feelings about you."
You: "She (the bully) is simply a passionate person."
You: "You're really putting too much passion into this."
You: "We all have our problems."
You: "Who are we to judge?"
You: "So just stop working there."
You: "So just stop using the internet."
You: "So just don't go to parties where you might run into these people."
You: "So just lay low for a month."
You: "Just pull yourself together."
You: "Just make the best of it."
You: "This is what psychotherapy is for."
You: "If you don't like how it feels to be treated this way, go to therapy and deal with those feelings."
You: "Instead of complaining about others, learn to accept others, and tolerate each others' differences."
You: "Aren't you a yogini / meditator / torah student / 12-stepper ? You're not being very spiritual."
You: "Aren't you supposed to be a community leader / peer counselor / mentor/ trainee ? You're not being very insightful / professional / mature about all this."
You: "I don't like that you sound so angry."
You: "This doesn't feel very good to me, to hear you talk this way."
You: "You're so upset. Relax. Let go of it."
You: "This is simply a matter of your perceptions. If you change your viewpoint, you will change your life."
You: "Everything is an illusion."
You: "Who died and put you in charge of morality?"
You: "Yeah right, you're the sole source of virtue."
You: "Two years ago, you were really upset with me for a few sentences. I'll bet you've done that again and forgotten."
You: "A supporter of the bully said you were loud on the phone and you complained. You're the problem."
You: "Why are you taking your private problems public? That's not right."
You: "This is just gossip. That's not right."
You: "You know, once we're adults we're supposed to just pick up the phone and talk things over.
You: "This is between you and her. I'm not involved. And I don't wanna be."
You: "You're escalating everything by taking this to corporate / bosses / witnesses / police / attorneys / the public / the board of directors/ the national board of oversight of whatever."
You: "The bully has a problem with you. And this has happened to you more than once, since your disability. Doesn't that say something about you? It's you. You're the problem."
You: "Life is a series of lessons. Have you learned any? It doesn't sound like it. Have you learned what to do differently in the future? I don't think so. Have you learned what you could have done that would have prevented it?"
You: "Look, the community is so much broader than you realize. Hardly anyone uses the internet, or goes to parties, or dances, or volunteers, or does activist work, or plays music, or goes to synagogue. You can easily find a new community within the community."

Ok, that's the list. I suppose the one that's my favorite example of an absurd remark is:
"No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."

It's just so illogical. What does it say about a community that uses this type of silly thinking, to support such a dangerous and hurtful situation?

I work really hard to deal with my cognitive situation. What in the world are others working on?