Blogger Leonard Nolt and his recent comment about his experience being bullied in the caring fields has prompted me to check out a Matrix Psychology blog piece by Dr. Liz, of the U.K., who has experience treating people who have been bullied at work.
Because Dr. Liz is dealing with experience instead of theory, she gets it right. Some of her astounding insights are dead on. For example, she explains the bully operates by befriending the target, collecting information that will be later used to hurt and destroy the target. And she notes that a workplace bully -- though inadequately prepared for their job -- nevertheless is inappropriately trying to control or reform the target in some way. The target is typically better at their job, and this arouses jealousy on the part of the bully.
Dr. Liz explains that the bully requires personal information about the target. The personal information has to be sensitive and relevant. The doctor says in order to obtain this info, the bully starts out by being nice to the target, and by acting like she has the target's best interest at heart.
"[the bully] knows how to get under a person's skin, he or she notices every little detail about the person to whom he or she directs their attention."
Yes, that's exactly what happened to me. At first it feels a little flattering. Then it becomes inappropriate, or can feel violating. I found myself denying the bully any access to information about me.
In particular she makes this chillingly accurate statement:
"[Bullies] find out what the [target] cares about and turn it against them - whether it is financial anxieties, family, caring for the cause or company for which they both work, a disability or just the standard of work."
Yes, this is a very good description of the process of emotional cruelty and psychological violence, as perpetrated by a bully, and as practiced in a work or volunteer environment.
Another great insight Dr. Liz has about work bullying is that the bully is inadequate at doing the job they're doing. The target is good at what they do, and this incites jealousy by the bullying boss. Here's how she puts it.
"Typically, Bullies have been promoted to jobs of which they are not capable. Nowhere is Parkinson's Law 'People get promoted to the level of their incompetence' truer. When a Bullier sees someone bright who has like them, risen through the ranks but who is brighter and more capable a Bully feels threatened. He or she panics especially when he or she has to manage the Bullee. The Bully is like a parent whose child is brighter than them. It takes a broad minded person to successfully manage a bright child or an employee who is smarter than he or she is."
This is a huge difference between bully bosses and other bosses. Generally, I prefer to work with managers and crew mates who are smarter than me, because I can learn from them, and because I know I will grow. If they're better at handling people, or technology, or creativity, or if they just have more intellectual sail power, that's great. Then I'll have more to share with the world. Then the world becomes a better place. If everyone were like this, we'd have a planet encircled with love. This is unselfish, and it's coming from a place of virtue. More importantly, many of us can actually put this value into practice by living it.
So when I'm in charge of someone super talented, I hope they will surpass me one day. I love to see them grow and develop. I take an interest in them. I mistakenly thought everyone wanted to see potential unfold. But I was just projecting goodness on to the world.
It's sad, but I see many people act like they're threatened or jealous when someone new and talented joins a staff. If a not-so-capable boss is placed in charge of someone more capable, and if the incapable boss is not emotionally mature, the situation can deteriorate into jealousy and bullying.
Next Dr. Liz speaks to the bully's motive. She understand the bully is trying to control the target's behavior. The bully has a narrow, warped notion of the ideal employee or of the human ideal, and the target doesn't fit that. Some targets may even suggest a counter-ideal, such as the values of the organization or other ethics. Here's what Dr. Liz says about the viewpoint and motive of the bully:
"The Bully is trying to do their best for the Bullee, but the Bullee does not want to improve, understand or change. This makes the Bullee a bad person."
It's good to explore what's behind this effort to control or silence the target, since it's such a core of bullying. The bully attempts to control the target in a psychological realm or in an emotional area that is private, and is an inappropriate venue for a bully's attention. The bully demands jurisdiction over areas that are inappropriate, such as friendships, alliances, mental health, professional growth, psycho-spiritual growth, etc. This inappropriate jurisdiction-raiding is done by bullying attacks on boundaries. These attacks can involve manipulations of mental health slogans, or corporate slogans, or spiritual slogans. They also take the form of punitive emotional aggression, psychological violence or simple old-fashioned cruelty.
To understand this control better, one might want to imagine the types of things a cult leader might do or say. In particular, consider the areas of control and the methods of control that would be associated with political cults, gurus or ideologies.
This gives insight into why bullying is prevalent in the caring fields. Gurus, sages and saviors can find employment there, and almost nowhere else. And in the caring fields, a guru-savior-bully has access to a steady supply of the latest one-liners, putdowns and turn-arounds to deal with clients, patients, congregants, students, etc. In the caring fields, this will be described as professional techniques. A bully will mis-use the professional skills they learn in their quest to re-shape others in their own warped image.
Let's quickly compare the aims of the caring fields with those of other professions. A farmer just wants to grow crops, whereas a guru-teacher-healer-preacher is planting the seeds of personhood. An engineer just wants a safe, efficient, useful, inexpensive process, but a guru-teacher-healer-preacher wants to shape the human process. In the caring fields, a practitioner will spend a lifetime perfecting tactics and learning to use tools for shaping human processes and planting the seeds of growth. It takes a lot of maturity to deliberately limit one's own power, and to refrain from using manipulation skills for wrongful, selfish purposes.
Make sure you check out Dr. Liz and her Matrix Psychology blog.
Bullying in the Caring Professions
Labels:
Bullying,
Caring Professions,
Denial
I've been sick with a migraine or sinus headache plus nausea for several days. I've mostly been in bed, maybe 60%-80% of the time. So I haven't posted much. I started to feel a little better around 1 a.m. last night.
I've got my laptop right beside me and I was looking over Tim Field's anti-bullying material. Tim is a Brit who set up the UK's Workplace Bullying Advice Line in January 1996. He had over 400 calls before the first year was over. As a result of helping people who were being bullied, he wrote:
"The three worst affected sectors seem to be teaching, nursing and social workers - the caring professions. Since 1999 there's been a noticeable increase in cases from the voluntary/charity/not-for-profit sector."
This corresponds to my experience perfectly, although in the U.S, I would expand this to include clergy, and I would be specific to include therapists who are not just social workers. Bullying is entrenched in the lefty fields and in the compassionate sectors. This is staggering: bullies are hard at work in the caring professions. So if you encounter a teacher, nurse, social worker, therapist, clergy, or someone who works or volunteers at a non-profit -- there's a high chance they are culturally very familiar with bullying. They're part of a bullying culture. They're either doing it, enduring it, or ignoring it.
Because teachers, preachers, and healers are the ones doing the bullying, it will be really tough to change culture.
This is a sick system. They're the ones doing it, yet they're the first ones we appeal to for help in stopping it. Is it any wonder we have a bullying crisis? It's quite corrupt.
Later in Tim's piece, he speaks of an ominous event in his personal life involving his experience of helping those in the teaching profession who were complaining of bullying, and not getting the support they needed from their union.
"...my recovery was dealt an apparent setback when in August 2003 I became the target of a vexatious writ of libel sponsored by the National Union of Teachers. It seems like someone took exception to that fact I'd helped over a thousand NUT members, all of whom reported being betrayed by their union. Long story short, and with the help of some wonderful friends, I negotiated a mutually-agreeable out-of-court settlement in July 2004."
And he said the attorney for the other side "[shot] his client in the foot by admitting the NUT were conducting a war against me." He also said the experience was "enriching and empowering."
Tim died of cancer in 2006.
I've got my laptop right beside me and I was looking over Tim Field's anti-bullying material. Tim is a Brit who set up the UK's Workplace Bullying Advice Line in January 1996. He had over 400 calls before the first year was over. As a result of helping people who were being bullied, he wrote:
"The three worst affected sectors seem to be teaching, nursing and social workers - the caring professions. Since 1999 there's been a noticeable increase in cases from the voluntary/charity/not-for-profit sector."
This corresponds to my experience perfectly, although in the U.S, I would expand this to include clergy, and I would be specific to include therapists who are not just social workers. Bullying is entrenched in the lefty fields and in the compassionate sectors. This is staggering: bullies are hard at work in the caring professions. So if you encounter a teacher, nurse, social worker, therapist, clergy, or someone who works or volunteers at a non-profit -- there's a high chance they are culturally very familiar with bullying. They're part of a bullying culture. They're either doing it, enduring it, or ignoring it.
Because teachers, preachers, and healers are the ones doing the bullying, it will be really tough to change culture.
This is a sick system. They're the ones doing it, yet they're the first ones we appeal to for help in stopping it. Is it any wonder we have a bullying crisis? It's quite corrupt.
Later in Tim's piece, he speaks of an ominous event in his personal life involving his experience of helping those in the teaching profession who were complaining of bullying, and not getting the support they needed from their union.
"...my recovery was dealt an apparent setback when in August 2003 I became the target of a vexatious writ of libel sponsored by the National Union of Teachers. It seems like someone took exception to that fact I'd helped over a thousand NUT members, all of whom reported being betrayed by their union. Long story short, and with the help of some wonderful friends, I negotiated a mutually-agreeable out-of-court settlement in July 2004."
And he said the attorney for the other side "[shot] his client in the foot by admitting the NUT were conducting a war against me." He also said the experience was "enriching and empowering."
Tim died of cancer in 2006.
Aftermath to Krip Hop Homo Hop
I went to the Krip Hop Homo Hop Saturday at 2 p.m., and after all that happened, Leroy wasn't able to have us speak at 3:30 p.m.-ish, like the program guide said. I started to get really fatigued. Judy Sierra left early. Gradually my acquaintances drifted away, and finally the last friend of mine was ready to leave. I had already been closing my eyes and knew I needed to leave, too. In addition to fatigue, since I've been getting bullied, I don't feel safe in public unless I'm with someone I really trust. Some time after 5 p.m., I got up and told Leroy I had to go. He apologized for not calling on us. I accepted his apology, and told him so. But in a way our advocacy work was stopped by another advocate. We weren't given the floor for five minutes to speak our message to maybe 30-50 queer disabled artists and allies.
And another thing happened at the event. Two women (who said they knew Judy Sierra) were really aggressive and rude to me. They weren't honest with me about what the problem was. I asked if they wanted to talk or share something, but they were hostile and said no. They treated me with an air of disdain and didn't try to conceal their hostility. It seemed clear that they heard something that prejudiced them in some way that they didn't want to resolve.
One of the women wore a brown and green sweater-vest with a horizontal pattern and had short, dark, wavy hair. She was neatly groomed, and was the leader of the pair. The other was blond and was wearing a peach-colored v-neck shirt with three-quarter length sleeves. The dark-haired one was a bit older, but the blond had a smooth face. They were both in wheelchairs.
In a parting shot, they laughed at my expense when someone wanted to pass behind me. Since I was facing them, they could see behind me, but I had no idea what was happening behind me. They didn't show any concern for my welfare or my space, so it was impossible to know whether I was about to be intruded upon from the rear. Suddenly when there was no space left, the blond girl spoke up, but played it like I was the social transgressor who had been rudely blocking someone, while she was the reluctant enforcer of decorum, sensitivity and social graces. As I began to move, I lost my balance, but didn't fall to the ground. They laughed in a ridiculing way over this, with the brunette being far more aggressive in her laughter. And the brunette praised the blond for her quick thinking in blaming me for the whole thing. In reality, these two ladies were blocking the door, and shouldn't have been.
This is the situation I've faced in public for two years. In public, I experience random aggression once the other person finds out who I am or what I'm doing. The random aggression often takes the form of withholding or obfuscating necessary social information, then blaming me and ridiculing me, often for not having the social information they withheld. In each case they don't acknowledge or take responsibility for their own true feelings of aggression or hostility toward me, nor do they share what has motivated them to behave the way they do. This is a primary cause of the whole problem. Sometimes what I'm doing is asking disabled dykes if they want to join a newslist so we can share information of importance to each other. But that's really rare that I'm doing that, it's maybe three or four times in my life. Most times I'm just asking someone their name, or asking what they think about an event, or I'm participating in a Jewish event, or I'm listening to music, or I'm at a dance, or I'm praying, or I'm studying, or I'm at a party. Basic stuff.
Nothing like this happened to me prior to Lenora publishing quite a few untruthful things about me after she was suspended from a Yahoogroup for lesbians. All of this bad behavior toward me in public began immediately following the Lenora situation, and it was especially prevalent in the way lesbians treated me in all shuls. Lenora isn't Jewish, so I wonder if a handful of shul lesbians capitalized on some of the libel and slander Lenora started.
And another thing happened at the event. Two women (who said they knew Judy Sierra) were really aggressive and rude to me. They weren't honest with me about what the problem was. I asked if they wanted to talk or share something, but they were hostile and said no. They treated me with an air of disdain and didn't try to conceal their hostility. It seemed clear that they heard something that prejudiced them in some way that they didn't want to resolve.
One of the women wore a brown and green sweater-vest with a horizontal pattern and had short, dark, wavy hair. She was neatly groomed, and was the leader of the pair. The other was blond and was wearing a peach-colored v-neck shirt with three-quarter length sleeves. The dark-haired one was a bit older, but the blond had a smooth face. They were both in wheelchairs.
In a parting shot, they laughed at my expense when someone wanted to pass behind me. Since I was facing them, they could see behind me, but I had no idea what was happening behind me. They didn't show any concern for my welfare or my space, so it was impossible to know whether I was about to be intruded upon from the rear. Suddenly when there was no space left, the blond girl spoke up, but played it like I was the social transgressor who had been rudely blocking someone, while she was the reluctant enforcer of decorum, sensitivity and social graces. As I began to move, I lost my balance, but didn't fall to the ground. They laughed in a ridiculing way over this, with the brunette being far more aggressive in her laughter. And the brunette praised the blond for her quick thinking in blaming me for the whole thing. In reality, these two ladies were blocking the door, and shouldn't have been.
This is the situation I've faced in public for two years. In public, I experience random aggression once the other person finds out who I am or what I'm doing. The random aggression often takes the form of withholding or obfuscating necessary social information, then blaming me and ridiculing me, often for not having the social information they withheld. In each case they don't acknowledge or take responsibility for their own true feelings of aggression or hostility toward me, nor do they share what has motivated them to behave the way they do. This is a primary cause of the whole problem. Sometimes what I'm doing is asking disabled dykes if they want to join a newslist so we can share information of importance to each other. But that's really rare that I'm doing that, it's maybe three or four times in my life. Most times I'm just asking someone their name, or asking what they think about an event, or I'm participating in a Jewish event, or I'm listening to music, or I'm at a dance, or I'm praying, or I'm studying, or I'm at a party. Basic stuff.
Nothing like this happened to me prior to Lenora publishing quite a few untruthful things about me after she was suspended from a Yahoogroup for lesbians. All of this bad behavior toward me in public began immediately following the Lenora situation, and it was especially prevalent in the way lesbians treated me in all shuls. Lenora isn't Jewish, so I wonder if a handful of shul lesbians capitalized on some of the libel and slander Lenora started.
Judy's Olive Branch to Paula
Labels:
Disability,
Lesbian,
Relational Aggression
As I was leaving an event this weekend, Judy phoned my cell and told me she'd been communicating with Paula.
Paula wanted to post something to AbilityDykes*, which is the newsgroup Judy and I run. Paula has been suspended for harassing and flaming Judy Sierra and Nena Campbell, of LezOver45. They suspended her from both groups.
Anyway, Judy first offered to make the post on both lists for Paula. Then Judy offered to reinstate Paula so Paula could make the post herself.
When I heard all of this by cell, I was on the sidewalk about to have dinner at a restaurant with a new friend. So I wasn't really in a good space to talk, since I was in public, and was with someone. I just felt so exposed.
I felt really blind-sided by Judy. I was really struck by her timing. I had told her I wouldn't be available. I was really helpless to participate in a real discussion under those circumstances.
I didn't think Judy would ask Paula back without talking to me. Paula's been stirring people up, saying a bunch of things about Judy and me and AbilityDykes, and LezOver45. As you recall, Paula reacted to her suspension by starting a boycott against the two lists, claiming we discriminated against her and censored her.
LezOver45 has been particularly hurt by the boycott. Women in the 45 and over age group have chosen to make their posts on DykeOver45 instead. Bear in mind I'm not involved in this over 45 group.
So here's my best friend telling me she's talking to Paula out of the blue, and telling Paula she can re-join the lists. I didn't know what was going on. I got pretty frightened. I started crying a little.
The conversation went something like this, but part of the conversation actually happened the next day:
Me: I can't believe you would offer an olive branch without talking to me first. Why did you do that?
Judy: Paula wrote to me and I responded.
Me: We just saw each other two hours ago. You couldn't have waited another hour until I got home?
Judy: I wanted to deal with it.
Me: Were you going to put her back on the list without even talking to me first?
Judy: No, I'm telling you now.
Me: But you already emailed her and offered this, without even talking to me first. I mean the problem is you offered this to her on your own, without talking to me first. Why didn't you talk to me first?
Judy: I just wanted to see what she would say. I wouldn't have put her back on without talking to you first. I don't really want her on.
Me: So you told her she could get back on the list, even though you knew you weren't going to let her on? Why did you do that?
Judy: I just wanted to see what she would say. I don't know if I would put her on or not.
Me: Do you think Paula has continued to violate our safety guidelines without apology, and shown no remorse, and has even escalated her flames and harassing behavior, and has actually done things to get the suspension extended?
Judy: That's not how it works. I suspended her for 30 days, I checked the calendar, the suspension is over.
During the course of the conversation Judy starts to tell me she doesn't care about the disability list for lesbians anymore, and I started to feel so sad. I care about our community and I don't want to be the only one who does. I felt frightened because this seemed like such a sudden reversal from Judy. It just seems so out of character for her. We hung up and promised to talk more later.
I had dinner with this new acquaintance but of course I didn't feel like socializing. I couldn't hold it together. I started crying during dinner. That was my best friend who just talked to me that way, and put me in a bad position and I was so sad, scared and hurt. I told this nice lady the story, and she was supportive, but I think she was also very surprised to learn all this was going on. I apologized for ruining her dinner.
Paula wanted to post something to AbilityDykes*, which is the newsgroup Judy and I run. Paula has been suspended for harassing and flaming Judy Sierra and Nena Campbell, of LezOver45. They suspended her from both groups.
Anyway, Judy first offered to make the post on both lists for Paula. Then Judy offered to reinstate Paula so Paula could make the post herself.
When I heard all of this by cell, I was on the sidewalk about to have dinner at a restaurant with a new friend. So I wasn't really in a good space to talk, since I was in public, and was with someone. I just felt so exposed.
I felt really blind-sided by Judy. I was really struck by her timing. I had told her I wouldn't be available. I was really helpless to participate in a real discussion under those circumstances.
I didn't think Judy would ask Paula back without talking to me. Paula's been stirring people up, saying a bunch of things about Judy and me and AbilityDykes, and LezOver45. As you recall, Paula reacted to her suspension by starting a boycott against the two lists, claiming we discriminated against her and censored her.
LezOver45 has been particularly hurt by the boycott. Women in the 45 and over age group have chosen to make their posts on DykeOver45 instead. Bear in mind I'm not involved in this over 45 group.
So here's my best friend telling me she's talking to Paula out of the blue, and telling Paula she can re-join the lists. I didn't know what was going on. I got pretty frightened. I started crying a little.
The conversation went something like this, but part of the conversation actually happened the next day:
Me: I can't believe you would offer an olive branch without talking to me first. Why did you do that?
Judy: Paula wrote to me and I responded.
Me: We just saw each other two hours ago. You couldn't have waited another hour until I got home?
Judy: I wanted to deal with it.
Me: Were you going to put her back on the list without even talking to me first?
Judy: No, I'm telling you now.
Me: But you already emailed her and offered this, without even talking to me first. I mean the problem is you offered this to her on your own, without talking to me first. Why didn't you talk to me first?
Judy: I just wanted to see what she would say. I wouldn't have put her back on without talking to you first. I don't really want her on.
Me: So you told her she could get back on the list, even though you knew you weren't going to let her on? Why did you do that?
Judy: I just wanted to see what she would say. I don't know if I would put her on or not.
Me: Do you think Paula has continued to violate our safety guidelines without apology, and shown no remorse, and has even escalated her flames and harassing behavior, and has actually done things to get the suspension extended?
Judy: That's not how it works. I suspended her for 30 days, I checked the calendar, the suspension is over.
During the course of the conversation Judy starts to tell me she doesn't care about the disability list for lesbians anymore, and I started to feel so sad. I care about our community and I don't want to be the only one who does. I felt frightened because this seemed like such a sudden reversal from Judy. It just seems so out of character for her. We hung up and promised to talk more later.
I had dinner with this new acquaintance but of course I didn't feel like socializing. I couldn't hold it together. I started crying during dinner. That was my best friend who just talked to me that way, and put me in a bad position and I was so sad, scared and hurt. I told this nice lady the story, and she was supportive, but I think she was also very surprised to learn all this was going on. I apologized for ruining her dinner.
Yahoo Asleep Over Christian Cyberbully
Labels:
Bullying,
Disability,
Internet Bullying,
Yahoo
I'm upset with Yahoo for not stepping in to make a second owner of a Yahoogroup for disabilities after the first owner died -- even after a cyberbullying situation emerged following a post in the group.
Hours after I posted an announcement about this weekend's Krip Hop Homo Hop event in a local Yahoogroup for people with disabilities, I received this unsettling email in reply from a Charlene Freemantle*:
"Did you know that your father murdered your mother and made it look like suicide? EVERYONE KNOWS"
I forwarded Charlene's email to a friend, but got a failure notice that said:
"Remote host said: 554 we cannot accept this message because it appears to contain virus (#5.7.1)"
Naturally, I got scared that Charlene had sent me a virus.
This Yahoogroup for disabilities is one of the oldest and largest in the country; it's for all disabilities, ages, genders, races, sexual orientation, religion, etc. I want to see it remain as a healthy resource. Next I went back into the Yahoogroup and posted about what just happened. I said something like this:
"I don't know whether the attacker is targeting me for supporting an event that might be culturally African-American, or LGBT, or disabled. Nor do I know whether the attacker is targeting people of color generally, or AbilityDykes*, or me or Judy Sierra* personally.
But it's very wrong, and totally unsafe, and Judy and I both hope we can count on everyone's support to back us on that. We have a cyber bully in our midst. It needs to stop immediately.
If anyone has any information on who is behind this, please contact me and the [local] disabled listowners right away. If this has happened to others I'm interested in hearing about it.
Don't tolerate acts like this in our community.
And show your support by coming out and giving mad, mad love to AbilityDykes lunch and Diversifying Hip Hop."
Then I re-posted my info about the Crip Hop Homo Hop event, saying we weren't going to be intimidated.
I also sent Charlene a note:
"What you wrote is cyberbullying and it's not acceptable.
I got [a message] saying your message to me contained a virus.
Don't ever write anything like this to me or Judy again."
And I did some Googling on Charlene which turned up a post from her on a born again Christian website. She seems to be a real person who actually does have a disability.
Next, Ariana*, the moderator of the disability Yahoogroup, jumped in and speculated to the entire newsgroup that it must have been a spammer who had joined our group and sent me the harassing message about murder and suicide. I don't know why she said it was a spammer, perhaps just to reassure people.
Then Ariana sent me an IM. I can't re-produce that here, I don't know how to log that at the moment. But I explained to her the message was not from a spammer, it was our own wack member from our Yahoogroup for disabilities, and I gave Charlene's contact info to Ariana. I'm doing all this with the expectation that Ariana will boot Charlene from the list for being such a creepy, threatening schmuck who talks of murder-suicide and sends possible viruses when people post about Hip Hop. Order will be restored, everyone will be safe, etc.
Then Ariana drops a bombshell. She tells me that Yahoo hasn't given her moderator privileges yet.
So I need to back up. You see, the original disability listowner passed away a few weeks ago. Steve* was a quadriplegic, and he was respected by all, and he started the list years ago. I'm sorry to say I can't remember how he died. But let's face it, everyone with a disability has a short lifespan. Quads and paraplegics in particular die quite young.
So Ariana can't remove Charlene from the list because Yahoo hasn't given Ariana control of the list after Steve's passing. Yikes. So there's this nutty harasser out there with scary words and viruses, and no one can stop her from accessing our disability-related messages and our personal email addresses in the Yahoogroup because Yahoo is evidently out to lunch.
Oh, and Ariana can't accept new members to the disability group, or upload new files, or check for bouncing messages, etc.
Oy, it's quite an uncomfortable situation. It shouldn't be this way.
Every newsgroup really needs to have more than one owner, we know that. The groups I've run have always had two. But we really can't get too mad at Steve, he's passed away.
Yahoo bears some responsibility for the situation here.
I know Yahoo plays it like they're providing a "free service." But c'mon, Yahoo sells ads and makes us watch. That's why they do this. Not for free, but for money. It's their business. And we're their captive audience.
Doesn't Yahoo owe more than nothing to the people who sit through so many ads in their newsgroup technology?
How can we get Yahoo to add a listowner quickly?
(*I don't give real names because I'm scared about what's been happening on and offline.)
Hours after I posted an announcement about this weekend's Krip Hop Homo Hop event in a local Yahoogroup for people with disabilities, I received this unsettling email in reply from a Charlene Freemantle*:
"Did you know that your father murdered your mother and made it look like suicide? EVERYONE KNOWS"
I forwarded Charlene's email to a friend, but got a failure notice that said:
"Remote host said: 554 we cannot accept this message because it appears to contain virus (#5.7.1)"
Naturally, I got scared that Charlene had sent me a virus.
This Yahoogroup for disabilities is one of the oldest and largest in the country; it's for all disabilities, ages, genders, races, sexual orientation, religion, etc. I want to see it remain as a healthy resource. Next I went back into the Yahoogroup and posted about what just happened. I said something like this:
"I don't know whether the attacker is targeting me for supporting an event that might be culturally African-American, or LGBT, or disabled. Nor do I know whether the attacker is targeting people of color generally, or AbilityDykes*, or me or Judy Sierra* personally.
But it's very wrong, and totally unsafe, and Judy and I both hope we can count on everyone's support to back us on that. We have a cyber bully in our midst. It needs to stop immediately.
If anyone has any information on who is behind this, please contact me and the [local] disabled listowners right away. If this has happened to others I'm interested in hearing about it.
Don't tolerate acts like this in our community.
And show your support by coming out and giving mad, mad love to AbilityDykes lunch and Diversifying Hip Hop."
Then I re-posted my info about the Crip Hop Homo Hop event, saying we weren't going to be intimidated.
I also sent Charlene a note:
"What you wrote is cyberbullying and it's not acceptable.
I got [a message] saying your message to me contained a virus.
Don't ever write anything like this to me or Judy again."
And I did some Googling on Charlene which turned up a post from her on a born again Christian website. She seems to be a real person who actually does have a disability.
Next, Ariana*, the moderator of the disability Yahoogroup, jumped in and speculated to the entire newsgroup that it must have been a spammer who had joined our group and sent me the harassing message about murder and suicide. I don't know why she said it was a spammer, perhaps just to reassure people.
Then Ariana sent me an IM. I can't re-produce that here, I don't know how to log that at the moment. But I explained to her the message was not from a spammer, it was our own wack member from our Yahoogroup for disabilities, and I gave Charlene's contact info to Ariana. I'm doing all this with the expectation that Ariana will boot Charlene from the list for being such a creepy, threatening schmuck who talks of murder-suicide and sends possible viruses when people post about Hip Hop. Order will be restored, everyone will be safe, etc.
Then Ariana drops a bombshell. She tells me that Yahoo hasn't given her moderator privileges yet.
So I need to back up. You see, the original disability listowner passed away a few weeks ago. Steve* was a quadriplegic, and he was respected by all, and he started the list years ago. I'm sorry to say I can't remember how he died. But let's face it, everyone with a disability has a short lifespan. Quads and paraplegics in particular die quite young.
So Ariana can't remove Charlene from the list because Yahoo hasn't given Ariana control of the list after Steve's passing. Yikes. So there's this nutty harasser out there with scary words and viruses, and no one can stop her from accessing our disability-related messages and our personal email addresses in the Yahoogroup because Yahoo is evidently out to lunch.
Oh, and Ariana can't accept new members to the disability group, or upload new files, or check for bouncing messages, etc.
Oy, it's quite an uncomfortable situation. It shouldn't be this way.
Every newsgroup really needs to have more than one owner, we know that. The groups I've run have always had two. But we really can't get too mad at Steve, he's passed away.
Yahoo bears some responsibility for the situation here.
I know Yahoo plays it like they're providing a "free service." But c'mon, Yahoo sells ads and makes us watch. That's why they do this. Not for free, but for money. It's their business. And we're their captive audience.
Doesn't Yahoo owe more than nothing to the people who sit through so many ads in their newsgroup technology?
How can we get Yahoo to add a listowner quickly?
(*I don't give real names because I'm scared about what's been happening on and offline.)
Psycho Donut Shop Mocks Disability for Fun and Profit
Labels:
Disability,
Disability Culture,
Disablism
Are economic times really so bad that we now have a donut shop whose business plan is a mashup between fatty sweets, a theme park, and a mental institution? Apparently so.
The Psycho Donut Shop opened last month, and uses "a lighthearted insane asylum theme," according to this story in the San Jose Mercury News.
Several disability groups took exception to the donut shop whose profits come from stigmatizing, stereotyping and from poking fun at folks with disabling conditions. The advocacy groups authored a letter to the editor which ran in the IndyBayTimes.
I'm trying to imagine an immature, amoral, insensitive marketing team on a sugar high who wondered what type of themed playland would draw adults and profits to their donut shop.
I'll bet this is how the brainstorm session went.
"Let's see, what would be fun for adults?"
"Well, there's always pornography."
"No good, that's what the internet is for. Besides, how would we get the chocolate off the magazines?"
"We could make it a baseball fantasy camp then."
"I really don't think so, we'd hafta sell steriods, not cinnamon buns."
"Ok, I got it. For donuts? A cop theme. It could be like the roll call room, or lockup, or something."
"Interesting. What else?"
"Well, let's see, we could make it a Haunted House. Those are popular."
"Almost, but it only works during Halloween."
"I know, let's make it a Mental Ward. It's like taking the best of the Cop idea -- with the lockup and the guards -- and mixing it with the psycho stuff from the Haunted House."
"Yeah, a Mental Ward. That's it."
"But wait, won't people be upset?"
"Look there's always people who are just too sensitive. I'll bet if we had a Lunch Lynch, or a Potato Pogram, or Internment Camp Sushi, someone would get on our case about that, too. All we're doing is having fun, being lighthearted, and showing people a good time."
"Yeah, and maybe if we just mess with the disabled, that makes it even more fun."
"Right."
"So maybe we'll offer Autistic Appetizers? HIV Hot Dogs? Quadriplegic Quesadillas?"
"Sure! But let's see how the donuts work first."
Wait, isn't this a skit on the Comedy Channel? No. This is real, and it's here in our community.
The Merc piece says the donut shop founders got the idea after playing racquetball. I didn't know anyone still played that sport. The founders appear to be stuck in the attitudes of the past.
The donut shop has gimmicks like a photo-op in a strait-jacket, a "group therapy" seating section, and even has the employees serve customers while wearing labcoats and nurses outfits. The founders also consulted with pastry chefs to form a menu which includes donut creations like Massive Brain Trauma.
This is wrong.
As one commenter on the Justice For All disability rights blog asked, "Would those of you saying that a little humor is ok feel the same way if the theme of the donut shop was one of a slave plantation?"
No, of course we wouldn't be okay with it, and we'd shut the place down.
The owners of the shop say they were just trying to have fun, but a principle of comedy is that you poke fun at the powerful, not the weak.
Disenfranchisement is not funny. Illness, suffering, and prejudice are not funny. And ignorance causes suffering. So the way you work with that through comedic themes is by satirizing those individuals and institutions responsible for social ills. The social ill isn't disability, the social ill is stigmatization. So let's target those who use prejudice, ignorance or stigmatization to disenfranchise the vulnerable and to enrich themselves.
Good comedy mocks those who cause suffering. Good comedy does not mock those who are suffering. And neither does good business.
When these business owners mock, stigmatize and poke fun at mental illness or head trauma -- and invite others to join in -- this is social oppression for fun and profit. And it's wrong.
Don't support them.
The founders need to go back to the racquetball court and re-think their entire game plan.
The Psycho Donut Shop opened last month, and uses "a lighthearted insane asylum theme," according to this story in the San Jose Mercury News.
Several disability groups took exception to the donut shop whose profits come from stigmatizing, stereotyping and from poking fun at folks with disabling conditions. The advocacy groups authored a letter to the editor which ran in the IndyBayTimes.
I'm trying to imagine an immature, amoral, insensitive marketing team on a sugar high who wondered what type of themed playland would draw adults and profits to their donut shop.
I'll bet this is how the brainstorm session went.
"Let's see, what would be fun for adults?"
"Well, there's always pornography."
"No good, that's what the internet is for. Besides, how would we get the chocolate off the magazines?"
"We could make it a baseball fantasy camp then."
"I really don't think so, we'd hafta sell steriods, not cinnamon buns."
"Ok, I got it. For donuts? A cop theme. It could be like the roll call room, or lockup, or something."
"Interesting. What else?"
"Well, let's see, we could make it a Haunted House. Those are popular."
"Almost, but it only works during Halloween."
"I know, let's make it a Mental Ward. It's like taking the best of the Cop idea -- with the lockup and the guards -- and mixing it with the psycho stuff from the Haunted House."
"Yeah, a Mental Ward. That's it."
"But wait, won't people be upset?"
"Look there's always people who are just too sensitive. I'll bet if we had a Lunch Lynch, or a Potato Pogram, or Internment Camp Sushi, someone would get on our case about that, too. All we're doing is having fun, being lighthearted, and showing people a good time."
"Yeah, and maybe if we just mess with the disabled, that makes it even more fun."
"Right."
"So maybe we'll offer Autistic Appetizers? HIV Hot Dogs? Quadriplegic Quesadillas?"
"Sure! But let's see how the donuts work first."
Wait, isn't this a skit on the Comedy Channel? No. This is real, and it's here in our community.
The Merc piece says the donut shop founders got the idea after playing racquetball. I didn't know anyone still played that sport. The founders appear to be stuck in the attitudes of the past.
The donut shop has gimmicks like a photo-op in a strait-jacket, a "group therapy" seating section, and even has the employees serve customers while wearing labcoats and nurses outfits. The founders also consulted with pastry chefs to form a menu which includes donut creations like Massive Brain Trauma.
This is wrong.
As one commenter on the Justice For All disability rights blog asked, "Would those of you saying that a little humor is ok feel the same way if the theme of the donut shop was one of a slave plantation?"
No, of course we wouldn't be okay with it, and we'd shut the place down.
The owners of the shop say they were just trying to have fun, but a principle of comedy is that you poke fun at the powerful, not the weak.
Disenfranchisement is not funny. Illness, suffering, and prejudice are not funny. And ignorance causes suffering. So the way you work with that through comedic themes is by satirizing those individuals and institutions responsible for social ills. The social ill isn't disability, the social ill is stigmatization. So let's target those who use prejudice, ignorance or stigmatization to disenfranchise the vulnerable and to enrich themselves.
Good comedy mocks those who cause suffering. Good comedy does not mock those who are suffering. And neither does good business.
When these business owners mock, stigmatize and poke fun at mental illness or head trauma -- and invite others to join in -- this is social oppression for fun and profit. And it's wrong.
Don't support them.
The founders need to go back to the racquetball court and re-think their entire game plan.
On Social Disability, Power, and Empowerment
Labels:
Disability,
Disability Culture,
Disablism,
Prosopagnosia,
Strategies
I really enjoyed this YouTube video from Canada's nightly tv show "The Hour" in which interviewer Hilary Doyle spends time with Jeff Wasserman, a prosopagnosiac. Near the end of the piece with Jeff, at around the 3-minute mark, Hilary disappears and re-enters the room with a woman who resembles Hilary. Er, at least the look-alike has the same dress and hair as Hilary. The Canadian journalist wants to see if Jeff can tell them apart.
Jeff is pretty sure he has identified tv personality Hilary correctly. Turns out he hasn't.
(Hey Jeff, I watched, and I thought it was the other woman, too. She seemed more energetic or something.)
That's where it gets good. Look at the short flash of emotionality by Hilary. She can't believe Jeff has incorrectly identified the other woman as her, and after she and Jeff have spent part of the day together, and well, she's Hilary from Canadian tv, for cryin' out loud. How could he not know her? Hilary doesn't verbalize it quite this way, mind you. I'm just giving her reaction some probable lines.
Yet even show host George Stroumboulopous says to Hilary later in the studio, "Wow, you were really bustin' that guy up." No she wasn't. She wasn't reading Jeff the riot act or anything. She just gets a tad involved sure, even though tv shows can edit that sort of thing out. Personally, I valued the honesty. Kudos to everyone at The Hour.
Now let's get back to our faceblind fella. I'm sooo not done yet. I'm just getting started.
Let's consider Jeff's reaction at the three-minute mark. He's not really emotional, he's just normal, he says he "can't believe" he mixed up the two women on camera. He kinda shrugs, and laughs in that mild, low-key way of his. He doesn't seem particularly embarrassed, or ashamed, or even very apologetic. He's a well-adjusted guy, why should he react that way? And I mean, really, in all honesty, what do you want him to do. Notice my lack of a question mark there. Later he says he's learned to laugh stuff like this off.
I'm magnifying this short, wonderful human exchange on the video, in order to make a few points. First, this is the situation that's re-played constantly throughout the lives of those who are faceblind. Only folks aren't as nice or as understanding or as sensitive or as prepared as Hilary or "The Hour."
Second, you gotta amplify this by all the numerous invisible conditions that create a disability of misunderstanding. Maybe you can begin to understand what it's like to live with constant, background misunderstanding. You begin to understand that's the disability. You add up several cognitive conditions, and you've got something akin to paralysis.
Again, Hilary was cool. And getting back to faceblindness, she was prepared to be misidentified by a prosopagnosiac. But other people can feel so put off by it, and they just can't understand. You tell them and they still don't get it. They act like we have totally misplaced an entire person.
And we shrug, either physically, or more likely, attitudinally or philosophically. It's not personal. And it's not like we can do anything about it. Why don't they just accept it. We'll try again next time we meet, obviously. And maybe you could help us out a little, right? And there's always laughter.
To help the situation, to accommodate for disability, people can learn to cue us without getting all bent outta shape (not that Hilary was bent out.) You can read my tips here, but a lot of helping is common sense and old-fashioned courtesy. Just tell us the truth about who you are, silly. Give us your name, and then remind us where we know each other. Don't forget to make sure you've got my attention first. Otherwise we just stumble along until we figure out how to identify you through body language, vocal tone, hair, and other clues. That could take two hours, or 15 meetings together, or it may never happen consistently at all, depending on just how faceblind we are.
I really dig this piece by "The Hour" as a teaching moment. It's cool on a whole new level. Sure, let's educate people about prosopagnosia, and let's educate people about all the unpronounceable conditions and invisible disabilities, why not.
Now, as a world community, let's take it to the next level. This is my third point. This is social disability. So let's find ways to show people how their reaction to disability is what disables us. Their reaction is what we're always having to adjust to. Since social disability exists, recognize that there's two parts to it -- yours and mine. You play a role here. Ya gotta take some responsibility for your role in making my condition disabling. And then you can help turn it around. When you empower me, I empower you, that empowers everyone.
Reactions on the part of others can really get in the way of their learning to normalize, accept and accommodate a disability condition. Pick any invisible disability or condition, and figure folks are going to be surprised, even when prepared, even when trained. And that's a best-case scenario: education doesn't perfectly reduce a reaction of surprise, disbelief and emotion, because when fully experiencing the situation, that immersion hits you -- the more fully-abled -- in ways that aren't simply intellectual or head trippy. And in the worst case scenario, when lack of education combines with lack of common sense, bad manners, and even character flaws or poor moral development, we encounter insensitivity, prejudice, exploitation, bullying, neglect, blaming, and much, much worse.
Again, Hilary is way cool. And so is "The Hour." I really appreciated her genuine, darn honest reaction showing how folks actually respond.
So it's all good. People just have to experience me a few times before they learn to go, oh, I guess it's normal that some people have an invisible disability or an invisible condition. And then they could go, oh, I see where that's social, and I am part of society, so I can see where I play a role here. And then they'd have an "aha" moment and go, gee, I'll refrain from harming, and I might even start helping. Tapping into empowerment, you discover it's an unlimited supply.
Jeff is pretty sure he has identified tv personality Hilary correctly. Turns out he hasn't.
(Hey Jeff, I watched, and I thought it was the other woman, too. She seemed more energetic or something.)
That's where it gets good. Look at the short flash of emotionality by Hilary. She can't believe Jeff has incorrectly identified the other woman as her, and after she and Jeff have spent part of the day together, and well, she's Hilary from Canadian tv, for cryin' out loud. How could he not know her? Hilary doesn't verbalize it quite this way, mind you. I'm just giving her reaction some probable lines.
Yet even show host George Stroumboulopous says to Hilary later in the studio, "Wow, you were really bustin' that guy up." No she wasn't. She wasn't reading Jeff the riot act or anything. She just gets a tad involved sure, even though tv shows can edit that sort of thing out. Personally, I valued the honesty. Kudos to everyone at The Hour.
Now let's get back to our faceblind fella. I'm sooo not done yet. I'm just getting started.
Let's consider Jeff's reaction at the three-minute mark. He's not really emotional, he's just normal, he says he "can't believe" he mixed up the two women on camera. He kinda shrugs, and laughs in that mild, low-key way of his. He doesn't seem particularly embarrassed, or ashamed, or even very apologetic. He's a well-adjusted guy, why should he react that way? And I mean, really, in all honesty, what do you want him to do. Notice my lack of a question mark there. Later he says he's learned to laugh stuff like this off.
I'm magnifying this short, wonderful human exchange on the video, in order to make a few points. First, this is the situation that's re-played constantly throughout the lives of those who are faceblind. Only folks aren't as nice or as understanding or as sensitive or as prepared as Hilary or "The Hour."
Second, you gotta amplify this by all the numerous invisible conditions that create a disability of misunderstanding. Maybe you can begin to understand what it's like to live with constant, background misunderstanding. You begin to understand that's the disability. You add up several cognitive conditions, and you've got something akin to paralysis.
Again, Hilary was cool. And getting back to faceblindness, she was prepared to be misidentified by a prosopagnosiac. But other people can feel so put off by it, and they just can't understand. You tell them and they still don't get it. They act like we have totally misplaced an entire person.
And we shrug, either physically, or more likely, attitudinally or philosophically. It's not personal. And it's not like we can do anything about it. Why don't they just accept it. We'll try again next time we meet, obviously. And maybe you could help us out a little, right? And there's always laughter.
To help the situation, to accommodate for disability, people can learn to cue us without getting all bent outta shape (not that Hilary was bent out.) You can read my tips here, but a lot of helping is common sense and old-fashioned courtesy. Just tell us the truth about who you are, silly. Give us your name, and then remind us where we know each other. Don't forget to make sure you've got my attention first. Otherwise we just stumble along until we figure out how to identify you through body language, vocal tone, hair, and other clues. That could take two hours, or 15 meetings together, or it may never happen consistently at all, depending on just how faceblind we are.
I really dig this piece by "The Hour" as a teaching moment. It's cool on a whole new level. Sure, let's educate people about prosopagnosia, and let's educate people about all the unpronounceable conditions and invisible disabilities, why not.
Now, as a world community, let's take it to the next level. This is my third point. This is social disability. So let's find ways to show people how their reaction to disability is what disables us. Their reaction is what we're always having to adjust to. Since social disability exists, recognize that there's two parts to it -- yours and mine. You play a role here. Ya gotta take some responsibility for your role in making my condition disabling. And then you can help turn it around. When you empower me, I empower you, that empowers everyone.
Reactions on the part of others can really get in the way of their learning to normalize, accept and accommodate a disability condition. Pick any invisible disability or condition, and figure folks are going to be surprised, even when prepared, even when trained. And that's a best-case scenario: education doesn't perfectly reduce a reaction of surprise, disbelief and emotion, because when fully experiencing the situation, that immersion hits you -- the more fully-abled -- in ways that aren't simply intellectual or head trippy. And in the worst case scenario, when lack of education combines with lack of common sense, bad manners, and even character flaws or poor moral development, we encounter insensitivity, prejudice, exploitation, bullying, neglect, blaming, and much, much worse.
Again, Hilary is way cool. And so is "The Hour." I really appreciated her genuine, darn honest reaction showing how folks actually respond.
So it's all good. People just have to experience me a few times before they learn to go, oh, I guess it's normal that some people have an invisible disability or an invisible condition. And then they could go, oh, I see where that's social, and I am part of society, so I can see where I play a role here. And then they'd have an "aha" moment and go, gee, I'll refrain from harming, and I might even start helping. Tapping into empowerment, you discover it's an unlimited supply.
What You Can Do to Help Those Targeted by Bullies
Labels:
Abuse,
Bullying,
Disability,
Internet Bullying,
Jewish,
Lesbian,
LGBT,
Psychological aggression,
Relational Aggression,
Spirituality,
Strategies
This is a continuation of the last article I wrote about bullying in the lesbian community. This piece focuses on how a witness or third party can help those targeted by an abuser.
It's a quick sketch or list of what To Do and what Not To Do if you want to help someone who's being bullied, or if you want to help someone who's experiencing psychological violence. If you need a definition of bullying, check out my last post, which used Tim Field's definition -- geared to describing workplace bullies, but with much that applies to general bullying, psychological violence, and relational aggression.
Some of what I suggest is specific to helping and protecting a member of a vulnerable population, as I have cognitive difficulties resulting from a head injury.
I wrote this pretty fast. I hope to have other ideas in the future.
Ok, here we go.
Do This right away:
--Validate my experience.
--Protect me.
--Ask me what I need, and think in terms of interventions that would make the Red Cross proud, and things which would be helpful under extreme trauma or PTSD: soup, a blanket, an arm around the shoulder, a kleenex to cry into, a wash cloth on a swollen face, a good night's sleep.
--Encourage me to eat.
--Check on me often.
--Reassure me that one day this will end.
--Tell me that you'll be there for me, and then demonstrate that by actually being there for me.
--I might not be able to rally enough to get out of the house and join you in a worthy activity, so kindly consider coming over and sitting with me.
--Tell me you don't approve of the bullying behavior.
--Tell others you don't approve of bullying behavior.
--Tell me I'm not to blame, that I didn't invite it, and that I didn't provoke it.
--Call for safety in the community.
--Let me know that you know this is abuse and psychological violence.
As I begin to comprehend, and as I deal with the fog, continue to Do This:
--Help me name what's happening: psychological violence, psychological aggression, psychological harassment, emotional abuse, internet bullying, undermining social relationships, destructive interpersonal misconduct, ethics violations, professional conduct violations, etc.
--Help me name what enablers are doing: minimizing, distorting, denying, making excuses, etc.
--Remind me that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Remind others that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Acknowledge limits of conventional wisdom ie, "therapy, conflict resolution, and ignoring the bullying are not going to make you safe, nor will this end bullying, which is the result you need and deserve."
--Suggest specific action I can take to end the abuse.
--Encourage me to educate myself properly about bullying, mobbing and the effects of abuse.
--Invite me places.
--Show concern for my safety.
As I take action to get it to stop, continue to Do This:
--See what you can do to help me document the situation, or support my efforts to do that.
--Consider following up with me about documentation and appointments.
--Consider accompanying me for support when I visit attorneys, police, clergy, other people at the job, or other intimidating professionals.
--Be savvy about the bully's tendency to counter-claim that she's the victim.
--Help educate yourself, me and others.
--Encourage me to obtain proper and appropriate support, anti-bullying support groups, attorneys, police, cameras, documentation.
--Encourage me to avoid support from inappropriate avenues, the bully's boss, the bully's good friends, the bully's family, the bully's business partners or project partners, etc.
As I recover physically, spiritually and emotionally, continue to Do This:
--Validate my experience.
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--See what my needs are.
--Suggest getting outside and taking walks in safe areas.
--Suggest soothing activities like baths, or meditation, or soft music, or whatever the target has found comforting and sustaining.
--Continue to protect me.
--Be open to my interest and transformation toward spiritual meaning.
As we as a community recover, continue to Do This:
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--Back me up when I call for safety in the community.
--Identify bullying behavior and enabling behavior with correct terms.
--Where appropriate, help author a professional or ethical code of conduct that includes anti-bullying language.
--Help enforce the code of conduct.
--Help hold offenders accountable.
--Help keep an eye on vulnerable and under-served populations.
...
Next comes the list of what not to do. This list comes from actual comments or explanations of people's decisions and attitudes. Although these often are direct quotes, others are approximations. This may typify what folks say when they want to justify enabling, since very little of this comes from supporters of the bully. Where I was able to, I tried to give examples of how some statements directly contradict each other. This was easier than you may think, since often the two sides of contradicting advice would be given by the same person, which surprised me. Also, I've tried to take particular care to document the pseudo-spiritual and pseudo-therapeutic stylings that are out there. I find them rather fascinating, misguided, and sad. It sure hasn't been fun to experience this cacophony. Sometimes it's as bad or worse as the bullying itself.
When you talk to me, Don't Do this or make similar denying, or distracting or unhelpful statements:
You: "Just ignore it."
You: "Don't give me any information about what's going on for you, I don't want to know."
You: "I'm really busy at work right now. I'll probably be busy this whole quarter. That reminds me, can you volunteer to help me on my project? I sure could use it."
You: "I'm not here to meet your needs, you know."
You: "I'm not going to help you."
You: "People have lives. They don't want to get involved. They just want to stay out of it."
You: "What's your part?"
You: "Have you been looking at what you did to cause all this?"
You: "Have you looked at your patterns?"
You: "What did you do to bring this on?"
You: "Have you looked at how come this keeps happening to you?"
You: "You're just needy / complaining / upset / having a crisis."
You: "What you're describing just is not bullying."
You: "So what if it's bullying, it's not illegal."
You: "What, are you in junior high?"
You: "This is just a conflict."
You: "You two just don't get along."
You: "This is just a bad breakup."
You: "Your personalities are just so different."
You: "No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."
You: "If they treat you that way, why would you want to go there anyway?"
You: "We're all so sick of lesbian drama."
You: "I think both sides are in the wrong."
You: "This type of drama has been going on in the community since the 1970's."
You: "I've heard worse."
You: "Since you have a cognitive disability, how do you know you're not the one who's bullying others?"
You: "Hey, I've heard complaints about you, too."
You: "She says she's the victim."
You: "The bully says it was you who abused her."
You: "You can't let her (the bully) push you around, use your physical size."
You: "If you want my support, or if you are disappointed that you don't have my support, then you are guilting and manipulating me, and therefore it's you who are harassing me."
You: "If you are uncomfortable with our friendship because I am able to work closely with the bully, that's too bad. I am going to keep doing it. I am able to have good relationship with the bully and you are not."
You: "I doubt that what you say about her bullying you is true. She (the bully) has a professional title, or a home, or standing in the community, or many friends, or a degree in peace work, or a degree in spiritual work, or a degree in therapy, or some other important symbol guaranteeing and authenticating her."
You: "Everyone knows she (the bully) is a joke. No one pays any attention to her. So just consider the source. It's not a big deal."
You: "I'm sick of your victim crap."
You: "Why didn't you stand up for yourself sooner?"
You: "There's nothing I can do."
You: "There's nothing anyone can do."
You: "We can't legislate human behavior."
You: "Nobody has to be nice, nor can we force them to be good."
You: "It's not bullying. It's just people sharing their feelings about you."
You: "She (the bully) is simply a passionate person."
You: "You're really putting too much passion into this."
You: "We all have our problems."
You: "Who are we to judge?"
You: "So just stop working there."
You: "So just stop using the internet."
You: "So just don't go to parties where you might run into these people."
You: "So just lay low for a month."
You: "Just pull yourself together."
You: "Just make the best of it."
You: "This is what psychotherapy is for."
You: "If you don't like how it feels to be treated this way, go to therapy and deal with those feelings."
You: "Instead of complaining about others, learn to accept others, and tolerate each others' differences."
You: "Aren't you a yogini / meditator / torah student / 12-stepper ? You're not being very spiritual."
You: "Aren't you supposed to be a community leader / peer counselor / mentor/ trainee ? You're not being very insightful / professional / mature about all this."
You: "I don't like that you sound so angry."
You: "This doesn't feel very good to me, to hear you talk this way."
You: "You're so upset. Relax. Let go of it."
You: "This is simply a matter of your perceptions. If you change your viewpoint, you will change your life."
You: "Everything is an illusion."
You: "Who died and put you in charge of morality?"
You: "Yeah right, you're the sole source of virtue."
You: "Two years ago, you were really upset with me for a few sentences. I'll bet you've done that again and forgotten."
You: "A supporter of the bully said you were loud on the phone and you complained. You're the problem."
You: "Why are you taking your private problems public? That's not right."
You: "This is just gossip. That's not right."
You: "You know, once we're adults we're supposed to just pick up the phone and talk things over.
You: "This is between you and her. I'm not involved. And I don't wanna be."
You: "You're escalating everything by taking this to corporate / bosses / witnesses / police / attorneys / the public / the board of directors/ the national board of oversight of whatever."
You: "The bully has a problem with you. And this has happened to you more than once, since your disability. Doesn't that say something about you? It's you. You're the problem."
You: "Life is a series of lessons. Have you learned any? It doesn't sound like it. Have you learned what to do differently in the future? I don't think so. Have you learned what you could have done that would have prevented it?"
You: "Look, the community is so much broader than you realize. Hardly anyone uses the internet, or goes to parties, or dances, or volunteers, or does activist work, or plays music, or goes to synagogue. You can easily find a new community within the community."
Ok, that's the list. I suppose the one that's my favorite example of an absurd remark is:
"No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."
It's just so illogical. What does it say about a community that uses this type of silly thinking, to support such a dangerous and hurtful situation?
I work really hard to deal with my cognitive situation. What in the world are others working on?
It's a quick sketch or list of what To Do and what Not To Do if you want to help someone who's being bullied, or if you want to help someone who's experiencing psychological violence. If you need a definition of bullying, check out my last post, which used Tim Field's definition -- geared to describing workplace bullies, but with much that applies to general bullying, psychological violence, and relational aggression.
Some of what I suggest is specific to helping and protecting a member of a vulnerable population, as I have cognitive difficulties resulting from a head injury.
I wrote this pretty fast. I hope to have other ideas in the future.
Ok, here we go.
Do This right away:
--Validate my experience.
--Protect me.
--Ask me what I need, and think in terms of interventions that would make the Red Cross proud, and things which would be helpful under extreme trauma or PTSD: soup, a blanket, an arm around the shoulder, a kleenex to cry into, a wash cloth on a swollen face, a good night's sleep.
--Encourage me to eat.
--Check on me often.
--Reassure me that one day this will end.
--Tell me that you'll be there for me, and then demonstrate that by actually being there for me.
--I might not be able to rally enough to get out of the house and join you in a worthy activity, so kindly consider coming over and sitting with me.
--Tell me you don't approve of the bullying behavior.
--Tell others you don't approve of bullying behavior.
--Tell me I'm not to blame, that I didn't invite it, and that I didn't provoke it.
--Call for safety in the community.
--Let me know that you know this is abuse and psychological violence.
As I begin to comprehend, and as I deal with the fog, continue to Do This:
--Help me name what's happening: psychological violence, psychological aggression, psychological harassment, emotional abuse, internet bullying, undermining social relationships, destructive interpersonal misconduct, ethics violations, professional conduct violations, etc.
--Help me name what enablers are doing: minimizing, distorting, denying, making excuses, etc.
--Remind me that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Remind others that bullying isn't a conflict, it's abuse.
--Acknowledge limits of conventional wisdom ie, "therapy, conflict resolution, and ignoring the bullying are not going to make you safe, nor will this end bullying, which is the result you need and deserve."
--Suggest specific action I can take to end the abuse.
--Encourage me to educate myself properly about bullying, mobbing and the effects of abuse.
--Invite me places.
--Show concern for my safety.
As I take action to get it to stop, continue to Do This:
--See what you can do to help me document the situation, or support my efforts to do that.
--Consider following up with me about documentation and appointments.
--Consider accompanying me for support when I visit attorneys, police, clergy, other people at the job, or other intimidating professionals.
--Be savvy about the bully's tendency to counter-claim that she's the victim.
--Help educate yourself, me and others.
--Encourage me to obtain proper and appropriate support, anti-bullying support groups, attorneys, police, cameras, documentation.
--Encourage me to avoid support from inappropriate avenues, the bully's boss, the bully's good friends, the bully's family, the bully's business partners or project partners, etc.
As I recover physically, spiritually and emotionally, continue to Do This:
--Validate my experience.
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--See what my needs are.
--Suggest getting outside and taking walks in safe areas.
--Suggest soothing activities like baths, or meditation, or soft music, or whatever the target has found comforting and sustaining.
--Continue to protect me.
--Be open to my interest and transformation toward spiritual meaning.
As we as a community recover, continue to Do This:
--Invite me places and accompany me.
--Back me up when I call for safety in the community.
--Identify bullying behavior and enabling behavior with correct terms.
--Where appropriate, help author a professional or ethical code of conduct that includes anti-bullying language.
--Help enforce the code of conduct.
--Help hold offenders accountable.
--Help keep an eye on vulnerable and under-served populations.
...
Next comes the list of what not to do. This list comes from actual comments or explanations of people's decisions and attitudes. Although these often are direct quotes, others are approximations. This may typify what folks say when they want to justify enabling, since very little of this comes from supporters of the bully. Where I was able to, I tried to give examples of how some statements directly contradict each other. This was easier than you may think, since often the two sides of contradicting advice would be given by the same person, which surprised me. Also, I've tried to take particular care to document the pseudo-spiritual and pseudo-therapeutic stylings that are out there. I find them rather fascinating, misguided, and sad. It sure hasn't been fun to experience this cacophony. Sometimes it's as bad or worse as the bullying itself.
When you talk to me, Don't Do this or make similar denying, or distracting or unhelpful statements:
You: "Just ignore it."
You: "Don't give me any information about what's going on for you, I don't want to know."
You: "I'm really busy at work right now. I'll probably be busy this whole quarter. That reminds me, can you volunteer to help me on my project? I sure could use it."
You: "I'm not here to meet your needs, you know."
You: "I'm not going to help you."
You: "People have lives. They don't want to get involved. They just want to stay out of it."
You: "What's your part?"
You: "Have you been looking at what you did to cause all this?"
You: "Have you looked at your patterns?"
You: "What did you do to bring this on?"
You: "Have you looked at how come this keeps happening to you?"
You: "You're just needy / complaining / upset / having a crisis."
You: "What you're describing just is not bullying."
You: "So what if it's bullying, it's not illegal."
You: "What, are you in junior high?"
You: "This is just a conflict."
You: "You two just don't get along."
You: "This is just a bad breakup."
You: "Your personalities are just so different."
You: "No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."
You: "If they treat you that way, why would you want to go there anyway?"
You: "We're all so sick of lesbian drama."
You: "I think both sides are in the wrong."
You: "This type of drama has been going on in the community since the 1970's."
You: "I've heard worse."
You: "Since you have a cognitive disability, how do you know you're not the one who's bullying others?"
You: "Hey, I've heard complaints about you, too."
You: "She says she's the victim."
You: "The bully says it was you who abused her."
You: "You can't let her (the bully) push you around, use your physical size."
You: "If you want my support, or if you are disappointed that you don't have my support, then you are guilting and manipulating me, and therefore it's you who are harassing me."
You: "If you are uncomfortable with our friendship because I am able to work closely with the bully, that's too bad. I am going to keep doing it. I am able to have good relationship with the bully and you are not."
You: "I doubt that what you say about her bullying you is true. She (the bully) has a professional title, or a home, or standing in the community, or many friends, or a degree in peace work, or a degree in spiritual work, or a degree in therapy, or some other important symbol guaranteeing and authenticating her."
You: "Everyone knows she (the bully) is a joke. No one pays any attention to her. So just consider the source. It's not a big deal."
You: "I'm sick of your victim crap."
You: "Why didn't you stand up for yourself sooner?"
You: "There's nothing I can do."
You: "There's nothing anyone can do."
You: "We can't legislate human behavior."
You: "Nobody has to be nice, nor can we force them to be good."
You: "It's not bullying. It's just people sharing their feelings about you."
You: "She (the bully) is simply a passionate person."
You: "You're really putting too much passion into this."
You: "We all have our problems."
You: "Who are we to judge?"
You: "So just stop working there."
You: "So just stop using the internet."
You: "So just don't go to parties where you might run into these people."
You: "So just lay low for a month."
You: "Just pull yourself together."
You: "Just make the best of it."
You: "This is what psychotherapy is for."
You: "If you don't like how it feels to be treated this way, go to therapy and deal with those feelings."
You: "Instead of complaining about others, learn to accept others, and tolerate each others' differences."
You: "Aren't you a yogini / meditator / torah student / 12-stepper ? You're not being very spiritual."
You: "Aren't you supposed to be a community leader / peer counselor / mentor/ trainee ? You're not being very insightful / professional / mature about all this."
You: "I don't like that you sound so angry."
You: "This doesn't feel very good to me, to hear you talk this way."
You: "You're so upset. Relax. Let go of it."
You: "This is simply a matter of your perceptions. If you change your viewpoint, you will change your life."
You: "Everything is an illusion."
You: "Who died and put you in charge of morality?"
You: "Yeah right, you're the sole source of virtue."
You: "Two years ago, you were really upset with me for a few sentences. I'll bet you've done that again and forgotten."
You: "A supporter of the bully said you were loud on the phone and you complained. You're the problem."
You: "Why are you taking your private problems public? That's not right."
You: "This is just gossip. That's not right."
You: "You know, once we're adults we're supposed to just pick up the phone and talk things over.
You: "This is between you and her. I'm not involved. And I don't wanna be."
You: "You're escalating everything by taking this to corporate / bosses / witnesses / police / attorneys / the public / the board of directors/ the national board of oversight of whatever."
You: "The bully has a problem with you. And this has happened to you more than once, since your disability. Doesn't that say something about you? It's you. You're the problem."
You: "Life is a series of lessons. Have you learned any? It doesn't sound like it. Have you learned what to do differently in the future? I don't think so. Have you learned what you could have done that would have prevented it?"
You: "Look, the community is so much broader than you realize. Hardly anyone uses the internet, or goes to parties, or dances, or volunteers, or does activist work, or plays music, or goes to synagogue. You can easily find a new community within the community."
Ok, that's the list. I suppose the one that's my favorite example of an absurd remark is:
"No one can keep you away from synagogues / music performances / or parties just because of threats of harm / mobbing language / refusal of association / asking you to leave / telling you you're not welcome. Therefore, if you're not going to these events, it must be because you don't really want to go."
It's just so illogical. What does it say about a community that uses this type of silly thinking, to support such a dangerous and hurtful situation?
I work really hard to deal with my cognitive situation. What in the world are others working on?
Introduction to Understanding the Bullying Epidemic
Labels:
Abuse,
Bullying,
Disability,
Internet Bullying,
Lesbian,
LGBT,
Psychological aggression,
Relational Aggression,
Spirituality
This article is born of firsthand experience being the target of adult bullying and relational aggression in the lesbian community; in lesbian volunteer communities and our projects; and in spiritual community such as synagogues. Bullying and psychological violence is due to a problem with the aggressor, not the target. Numerous social factors magnify the epidemic of bullying in our communities. Specific common sense steps can and should be taken to support those who have been bullied, and to help ensure safe, moral, healthy community for us all.
Laws and professional codes need to be tightened and enforced in order to guide appropriate behavior in our communities, particularly on the part of our bosses, but also on the part of teachers, clergy, therapists and other workers in the caring professions. Complaints of bullying need to be taken seriously, investigated properly, standards enforced, with bullies held accountable.
Bullying is a unique phenomenon in that frequently three parties and not two parties are involved. The parties are the bully, the target (not a victim) and the third parties such as witnesses. These third parties may be enablers, or they may be protectors of the targets, or they may be enforcers of prevailing norms of cultural virtue, or anywhere along this continuum. The phenomena and response of the third party is of primary significance in stopping bullying. Due to the importance of the three-party dynamic, neither therapy nor mediation is typically an appropriate avenue for stopping bullying. The key to stopping bullying is likely to have its roots in the previous paragraph.
Factors such as enabling on the part of third parties make bullying and its effects worse. These attitudes are often supported primarily by ignorance about what bullying and abuse is, and what it is not. Additionally, enablers may not know what enabling is, either. Enabling is often accompanied by an attitude of powerlessness over what can be done, sometimes with fears of social, financial and legal retaliation to those who speak out. The attitude of schadenfreude cannot be overlooked as a factor in enabling. And perhaps most significantly, a lack of meaningful intervention sometimes finds its intellectual, moral and spiritual roots in "idiot compassion" which was discussed in a truly great teaching by Karma Yogini here.
Other socially relevant factors in bullying include lack of protection for certain vulnerable populations. For example, those who are living with disabilities that affect cognition or affect one's ability to communicate and advocate are likely targets. The elderly are another probable target.
Of relevance is the scenario and background for workplace-related bullying. Workplace bullies typically act out when held accountable for their own shortcomings, inadequacies, or bad behavior. Some workplace bullies are threatened by their targets skills, or popularity, or innovative ideas.
Unfortunately the lesbian community is not immune to sexual misconduct and sexual harassment. A woman who says no to another woman's sexual offers, may be targeted for retaliatory relational aggression, which is a form of bullying.
The bully discharges her own feelings of aggression on to a target. In yet another layer, the bully attempts to involve third parties in isolating the target from social, emotional, spiritual, collegial, or professional support. The bully uses and exploits her relationships in business or social networks. The web can often play a role in this.
Today bullying is magnified or intensified by the influence and power of the internet. The internet effect is significant because online communication is instantaneous and unregulated. Additionally, internet bullying reaches the target where she reads email and accesses social networking sites, such as previously safe areas, like the home or even the bedroom. Furthermore, those who live with disability may be more likely to socialize and communicate online. And some populations and special interest groups may make heavier use of the internet in order to self-identify and to connect, such as the LGBT population or some spiritual groups. For those in these impacted groups, attacks on one's internet persona, reputation, and work may be more critical and damaging.
When a bully uses many of these weapons such as relational aggression, the internet, and threatening the financial or professional livelihood of the target, the isolation and suffering can produce psychiatric injury, including complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. A target may develop suicidal thoughts, and suicide can sometimes result.
Understanding bullying can provide a glimpse into the human heart and condition. As a society, it's our moral mandate to develop practical, effective approaches to handling aggression, psychological aggression, and bullying. Tim Field, a pioneer on bullying and a world-renowned expert on the subject, believed "bullying was the single most important social issue of today, and that its study provided an opportunity to understand the behaviors which underlie almost all conflict and violence."
Here is Field's comprehensive definition of workplace bullying, however, much of this is relevant to bullying and to psychological violence generally.
"Bullying is a compulsive need to displace aggression and is achieved by the expression of inadequacy (social, personal, interpersonal, behavioral, professional) by projection of that inadequacy onto others through control and subjugation (criticism, exclusion, isolation etc). Bullying is sustained by abdication of responsibility (denial, counter-accusation, pretense of victimhood) and perpetuated by a climate of fear, ignorance, indifference, silence, denial, disbelief, deception, evasion of accountability, tolerance and reward (eg promotion) for the bully."
What I love about Field's model is how he identifies counter-accusations and pretense of victimhood that sustain bullies. He associates this with denial and abdication of responsibility. He is absolutely right to place this behavior as part of the bullying definition and characteristic.
The workplace culture of bullying is surprising and significant. Field cited surveys from the UK and the USA which showed that those who worked in the caring fields are at the top of the list of bullied workers. This suggests a staggering, unconscionable possibility: the caring fields employ huge numbers of bullies.
Why do bullies work there? What is it about the culture of caring that shelters bullies? I have thoughts about that for a future post.
Make sure you check out the next post, about the specific things you can do to help someone targeted by bullies.
I didn't use a lot of links in this article, as I have a head injury and right now am not the best at footnotes and detail. I hope to add better citations in the future.
Look over these statistics on bullying in the American workplace, from a 2007 study by Zogby International.
--Bullying is four times more common than either sexual harassment or racial discrimination.
--37% of the American workforce has been bullied.
--72% of bullies are bosses.
--Only 3% of bullied targets file lawsuits. 40% never complain.
--Women are targets of bullying more frequently than men, and in 71% of the cases where women were targets, the bully was also a woman (this was in a heterosexual setting.)
--Bullying is stopped by the target leaving 77% of the time.
Laws and professional codes need to be tightened and enforced in order to guide appropriate behavior in our communities, particularly on the part of our bosses, but also on the part of teachers, clergy, therapists and other workers in the caring professions. Complaints of bullying need to be taken seriously, investigated properly, standards enforced, with bullies held accountable.
Bullying is a unique phenomenon in that frequently three parties and not two parties are involved. The parties are the bully, the target (not a victim) and the third parties such as witnesses. These third parties may be enablers, or they may be protectors of the targets, or they may be enforcers of prevailing norms of cultural virtue, or anywhere along this continuum. The phenomena and response of the third party is of primary significance in stopping bullying. Due to the importance of the three-party dynamic, neither therapy nor mediation is typically an appropriate avenue for stopping bullying. The key to stopping bullying is likely to have its roots in the previous paragraph.
Factors such as enabling on the part of third parties make bullying and its effects worse. These attitudes are often supported primarily by ignorance about what bullying and abuse is, and what it is not. Additionally, enablers may not know what enabling is, either. Enabling is often accompanied by an attitude of powerlessness over what can be done, sometimes with fears of social, financial and legal retaliation to those who speak out. The attitude of schadenfreude cannot be overlooked as a factor in enabling. And perhaps most significantly, a lack of meaningful intervention sometimes finds its intellectual, moral and spiritual roots in "idiot compassion" which was discussed in a truly great teaching by Karma Yogini here.
Other socially relevant factors in bullying include lack of protection for certain vulnerable populations. For example, those who are living with disabilities that affect cognition or affect one's ability to communicate and advocate are likely targets. The elderly are another probable target.
Of relevance is the scenario and background for workplace-related bullying. Workplace bullies typically act out when held accountable for their own shortcomings, inadequacies, or bad behavior. Some workplace bullies are threatened by their targets skills, or popularity, or innovative ideas.
Unfortunately the lesbian community is not immune to sexual misconduct and sexual harassment. A woman who says no to another woman's sexual offers, may be targeted for retaliatory relational aggression, which is a form of bullying.
The bully discharges her own feelings of aggression on to a target. In yet another layer, the bully attempts to involve third parties in isolating the target from social, emotional, spiritual, collegial, or professional support. The bully uses and exploits her relationships in business or social networks. The web can often play a role in this.
Today bullying is magnified or intensified by the influence and power of the internet. The internet effect is significant because online communication is instantaneous and unregulated. Additionally, internet bullying reaches the target where she reads email and accesses social networking sites, such as previously safe areas, like the home or even the bedroom. Furthermore, those who live with disability may be more likely to socialize and communicate online. And some populations and special interest groups may make heavier use of the internet in order to self-identify and to connect, such as the LGBT population or some spiritual groups. For those in these impacted groups, attacks on one's internet persona, reputation, and work may be more critical and damaging.
When a bully uses many of these weapons such as relational aggression, the internet, and threatening the financial or professional livelihood of the target, the isolation and suffering can produce psychiatric injury, including complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. A target may develop suicidal thoughts, and suicide can sometimes result.
Understanding bullying can provide a glimpse into the human heart and condition. As a society, it's our moral mandate to develop practical, effective approaches to handling aggression, psychological aggression, and bullying. Tim Field, a pioneer on bullying and a world-renowned expert on the subject, believed "bullying was the single most important social issue of today, and that its study provided an opportunity to understand the behaviors which underlie almost all conflict and violence."
Here is Field's comprehensive definition of workplace bullying, however, much of this is relevant to bullying and to psychological violence generally.
"Bullying is a compulsive need to displace aggression and is achieved by the expression of inadequacy (social, personal, interpersonal, behavioral, professional) by projection of that inadequacy onto others through control and subjugation (criticism, exclusion, isolation etc). Bullying is sustained by abdication of responsibility (denial, counter-accusation, pretense of victimhood) and perpetuated by a climate of fear, ignorance, indifference, silence, denial, disbelief, deception, evasion of accountability, tolerance and reward (eg promotion) for the bully."
What I love about Field's model is how he identifies counter-accusations and pretense of victimhood that sustain bullies. He associates this with denial and abdication of responsibility. He is absolutely right to place this behavior as part of the bullying definition and characteristic.
The workplace culture of bullying is surprising and significant. Field cited surveys from the UK and the USA which showed that those who worked in the caring fields are at the top of the list of bullied workers. This suggests a staggering, unconscionable possibility: the caring fields employ huge numbers of bullies.
Why do bullies work there? What is it about the culture of caring that shelters bullies? I have thoughts about that for a future post.
Make sure you check out the next post, about the specific things you can do to help someone targeted by bullies.
I didn't use a lot of links in this article, as I have a head injury and right now am not the best at footnotes and detail. I hope to add better citations in the future.
Look over these statistics on bullying in the American workplace, from a 2007 study by Zogby International.
--Bullying is four times more common than either sexual harassment or racial discrimination.
--37% of the American workforce has been bullied.
--72% of bullies are bosses.
--Only 3% of bullied targets file lawsuits. 40% never complain.
--Women are targets of bullying more frequently than men, and in 71% of the cases where women were targets, the bully was also a woman (this was in a heterosexual setting.)
--Bullying is stopped by the target leaving 77% of the time.
Facing Internet Bullies
Labels:
Bullying,
Disability,
Internet Bullying,
Jewish,
Lesbian,
LGBT,
Relational Aggression
I'm being bullied and I'm experiencing relational aggression and psychological aggression. It's been going on for at least two years, but it's intensified over the past three weeks. I explained my motive and purpose for writing about this subject in a previous post here.
Let me bring you up to speed. On Wednesday, my best friend Judy Sierra* and I found several messages on Craigslist that seemed to be defaming and libeling us. The first was from Ricki Black* asking for a boycott of a Yahoogroup for Lesbians that I co-founded, LezOver45*. I don't really have much to do with the group, I've moved on to other things. For those just joining the blog, Ricki was the woman who threatened me and warned me not to go back to synagogue, thus prompting me to file a police report and post about it here.
Another Craigslist message was from Lenora Whitley*, who was suspended from the over45 Yahoogroup. Lenora's Craigslist message called me a thief because of that suspension. I wrote about it here.
We found more Facebook notes by Paula Rubenstein*. As you remember, the moderators suspended Paula for 30 days from the yahoogroup called DisabilityDykes*, and from the LezOver45 group, because Paula violated the rules by flaming the moderators, and because they felt harassed by her. And you probably also remember Paula is a woman I once dated and dumped.
On Paula's Facebook page, she called her suspension "censorship" and tried to get the community involved in speaking out against the disabled, Jewish dykes who run these groups -- and boycotting and resigning from these groups, saying it was discrimination against a disabled, Jewish dyke. Oy.
One of Paula's friends, Doris Finkel*, the drummer and musical director at a local left-leaning synagogue, responded on Paula's Facebook with a promise of support for Paula. Paula told me Doris Finkel is a former lover of R Rachel and they're still close. I blogged about R Rachel here, but the succinct version is she hadn't been willing to identify herself to me, even though I told her I'm disabled from a head injury and I couldn't recognize faces.
Getting back to Doris, all the moderators of the LezOver45 group then received Doris' email where she told us she would publicly denounce us and she would ask others to boycott us.
Nena Campbell responded to Doris' email with words that said basically nothing. She's so good at that. We didn't make her the head moderator for nothing, you know. Point is, she didn't present the moderator's side at all. She didn't present any side. It's like she's the Dean of the College of Middle Management-speak. Can you tell I flunked outta that school?
Yet another lesbian newsgroup called Sapphisty published several defaming and libelous posts about yours truly. Originally the traffic was posed as a question: why are there so many redundant groups for lesbians?
Ok, let's take a comedy break and look at that one.
Cuz we don't get along, silly. We're lesbians! We sleep with each other. We sleep with each other's best friends. We sleep with each other's best friend's enemies.
Then you know what we do? We refuse to sleep with each other.
And finally, we do both. We sleep together, we refuse to sleep together. We sleep together, we refuse to sleep together. And then we start all over again, only with a new person. Cuz we think it'll be different if we try our pattern on somebody new.
We take that formula and we go right down the list widdit: friend, enemy, friend of the enemy, enemy of the friend. There's no end to the permutations of frenemy sex, and frenemy sex refusals.
Now back to the concept of oneness. Maybe it's the grand solution.
So why can't we just have one list? And one political party? And one newspaper?
Why can't we?
And why can't we have one factory, one restaurant, and one approved sexual position?
Ok, I'll take a crack at it.
Isn't queerness itself a defiance of this type of thinking?
And doesn't this kind of solution just smack of a generic, singular, totalitarianism- for-the-hip?
And didn't we used to associate that with neo-fascists? Or Republicans? Or at least conservatives?
But lesbians are saying this?
Oh, well, I guess it must be okay, then.
That's the spirit, kids. That's just the sort of sputtering incoherence that makes the left strong.
Or maybe it's all of America, dropping faster than a falling SAT score, more powerful than a really strong cellphone battery, and able to leap tall objections of a world community united against quantitative easing and printing money from nothing.
But I digress.
Back to online bullying. Gradually the tone of emails published on Sapphistry changed. Pretty soon LezOver45 was being trashed. Then I was being called a thief all over again.
Here's what some anonymous RJ said:
"[we] stole the list because one of the people who helped Michelle with the tech part for about 10 minutes deleted her name as an owner and stole the list. We all know who did this so I don't gotta name her but you guys know who i mean.. now everyone feel like they gotta choose..."
Here's what Lenora said:
"[the list] was stolen from me"
And then Lenora said:
"I did have stern words for [Erin] the night before the theft, over her continuing abusive phone calls."
And then Lenora said:
"[the other list] was born of a theft..."
And then Lenora goes on to say that the women on her list:
"have been deeply sorrowed to see another soul suffering due to unnecessary power grabbing by [Erin]"
All of this happened in, like, two hours. It was intense.
You see, more than 1,000 women are getting all this sent to their inboxes. But they're only getting one side, and it is at variance with the truth, to say the least. It's libel and defamation, to say the most.
They're seeing me, Erin Teller, a person with a cognitive disability, getting painted with a criminal label because some moderators hold women accountable for their actions. Over the course of two years, two women have misbehaved in our digital sandbox, and so we suspended them. We gave them a time-out for adults. And they had a tantrum. Yeah, we're tigers. Better watch out. We give time-outs.
Just look at these two women, an attorney and a PhD, getting tripped up and MacGyvered out of power by someone like me, a woman who can't remember her own zip code, or recognize her own mother, or find her way home from her own driveway.
I'm the victim here. And so is Judy, a woman with Multiple Sclerosis. I mean the stress of an online bullying makes her lose her ability to walk.
So after having practically 19 nervous breakdown, I posted to Sapphistry, the list with the most traffic, and the widest membership. It went a little like this.
"Wow, I sure didn't want to write this. Unfortunately, this has reached a point where I've had several conversations with police, and filed a report for threats made to me by friends of a suspended member, and I'm in the process of choosing between attorneys because I now need protection, from lesbians, over email. Sheesh.
So please, kindly cease and desist... on Sapphistry, DykeOver45, Craigslist, Facebook, and elsewhere, or I will take action for libel, defamation of character, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and whatever else the suits recommend. Ok, buttercups?"
Then I explained why the moderators suspended the members. It embarrassed me to hafta put that out there. I alluded to my briefly dating & dumping Paula (obviously she wouldn't be reacting this way otherwise.)
And I said it's been rough for us and I've been frightened. I asked people to get on with their lives and to have a little compassion
So I guess you could say I answered the question I raised about myself in a previous post, about whether I had the courage to denounce this online bullying. I had the strength of Arjuna, after all.
In response, Paula changed her Facebook page. She took down the awful things she wrote about me on her wall.
However, now that I'm calling what's been happening to me libel and defamation, Paula turns around and says on her wall that she's the victim of libel, hinting at legal action against us, or me, I dunno know which.
...
I promised I'd practice Yoga with Judy today, cuz she's taking her midterm tomorrow. And I was so sick all day. I've been taking these suppositories so the headaches don't make me puke.
So we did the Yoga. Durga fed us the best meal -- organic and ayurvedic. I was so grateful.
Even though I'm going through this horrible thing with the bullying. And even though my health is so fragile with the headaches. And even though cognitively I am so slowed down I couldn't decipher any street signs on the road with Judy today (she drove.) Still, I had lotsa moments of peace today.
Even with all that, I can hardly wait to meditate and to pray and to see the sunset and to let go and unclench from all the twists of mind.
On the drive to Durga's we passed through the rolling hills of wine country. Judy had something to say. As a result of everything Paula's put us through, Judy tells me she hates Paula.
I don't hate anyone. I'm just trying not to puke. I just want to meditate. I'm still reading the parsha; still looking forward to shabbat.
I have zero interest in any of this stuff with Paula and Lenore. I feel drawn in only to respond to libel and character defamation that's being directed at me or at Judy.
Sometimes I think about why I'm different. Why I don't hate. Why I'm not even really all that mad.
I'm scared, but I'm not mad.
I totally forgive all these people.
Yes, I'm frightened of them. It's very, very stressful to be so scared all the time.
But all I really wanna do is meditate and do yoga.
On the spiritual side, sometimes I do tonglen. Other times I do mehta. I extend love to Paula and to Lenora when I do the mehta. I really like doing that.
I suppose from a Jewish perspective I'm praying for them to have love in their lives.
That's really their trouble, isn't it?
Time for that sunset now.
(* basically every name is fake cuz I'm being bullied and I don't feel safe at all.)
Let me bring you up to speed. On Wednesday, my best friend Judy Sierra* and I found several messages on Craigslist that seemed to be defaming and libeling us. The first was from Ricki Black* asking for a boycott of a Yahoogroup for Lesbians that I co-founded, LezOver45*. I don't really have much to do with the group, I've moved on to other things. For those just joining the blog, Ricki was the woman who threatened me and warned me not to go back to synagogue, thus prompting me to file a police report and post about it here.
Another Craigslist message was from Lenora Whitley*, who was suspended from the over45 Yahoogroup. Lenora's Craigslist message called me a thief because of that suspension. I wrote about it here.
We found more Facebook notes by Paula Rubenstein*. As you remember, the moderators suspended Paula for 30 days from the yahoogroup called DisabilityDykes*, and from the LezOver45 group, because Paula violated the rules by flaming the moderators, and because they felt harassed by her. And you probably also remember Paula is a woman I once dated and dumped.
On Paula's Facebook page, she called her suspension "censorship" and tried to get the community involved in speaking out against the disabled, Jewish dykes who run these groups -- and boycotting and resigning from these groups, saying it was discrimination against a disabled, Jewish dyke. Oy.
One of Paula's friends, Doris Finkel*, the drummer and musical director at a local left-leaning synagogue, responded on Paula's Facebook with a promise of support for Paula. Paula told me Doris Finkel is a former lover of R Rachel and they're still close. I blogged about R Rachel here, but the succinct version is she hadn't been willing to identify herself to me, even though I told her I'm disabled from a head injury and I couldn't recognize faces.
Getting back to Doris, all the moderators of the LezOver45 group then received Doris' email where she told us she would publicly denounce us and she would ask others to boycott us.
Nena Campbell responded to Doris' email with words that said basically nothing. She's so good at that. We didn't make her the head moderator for nothing, you know. Point is, she didn't present the moderator's side at all. She didn't present any side. It's like she's the Dean of the College of Middle Management-speak. Can you tell I flunked outta that school?
Yet another lesbian newsgroup called Sapphisty published several defaming and libelous posts about yours truly. Originally the traffic was posed as a question: why are there so many redundant groups for lesbians?
Ok, let's take a comedy break and look at that one.
Cuz we don't get along, silly. We're lesbians! We sleep with each other. We sleep with each other's best friends. We sleep with each other's best friend's enemies.
Then you know what we do? We refuse to sleep with each other.
And finally, we do both. We sleep together, we refuse to sleep together. We sleep together, we refuse to sleep together. And then we start all over again, only with a new person. Cuz we think it'll be different if we try our pattern on somebody new.
We take that formula and we go right down the list widdit: friend, enemy, friend of the enemy, enemy of the friend. There's no end to the permutations of frenemy sex, and frenemy sex refusals.
Now back to the concept of oneness. Maybe it's the grand solution.
So why can't we just have one list? And one political party? And one newspaper?
Why can't we?
And why can't we have one factory, one restaurant, and one approved sexual position?
Ok, I'll take a crack at it.
Isn't queerness itself a defiance of this type of thinking?
And doesn't this kind of solution just smack of a generic, singular, totalitarianism- for-the-hip?
And didn't we used to associate that with neo-fascists? Or Republicans? Or at least conservatives?
But lesbians are saying this?
Oh, well, I guess it must be okay, then.
That's the spirit, kids. That's just the sort of sputtering incoherence that makes the left strong.
Or maybe it's all of America, dropping faster than a falling SAT score, more powerful than a really strong cellphone battery, and able to leap tall objections of a world community united against quantitative easing and printing money from nothing.
But I digress.
Back to online bullying. Gradually the tone of emails published on Sapphistry changed. Pretty soon LezOver45 was being trashed. Then I was being called a thief all over again.
Here's what some anonymous RJ said:
"[we] stole the list because one of the people who helped Michelle with the tech part for about 10 minutes deleted her name as an owner and stole the list. We all know who did this so I don't gotta name her but you guys know who i mean.. now everyone feel like they gotta choose..."
Here's what Lenora said:
"[the list] was stolen from me"
And then Lenora said:
"I did have stern words for [Erin] the night before the theft, over her continuing abusive phone calls."
And then Lenora said:
"[the other list] was born of a theft..."
And then Lenora goes on to say that the women on her list:
"have been deeply sorrowed to see another soul suffering due to unnecessary power grabbing by [Erin]"
All of this happened in, like, two hours. It was intense.
You see, more than 1,000 women are getting all this sent to their inboxes. But they're only getting one side, and it is at variance with the truth, to say the least. It's libel and defamation, to say the most.
They're seeing me, Erin Teller, a person with a cognitive disability, getting painted with a criminal label because some moderators hold women accountable for their actions. Over the course of two years, two women have misbehaved in our digital sandbox, and so we suspended them. We gave them a time-out for adults. And they had a tantrum. Yeah, we're tigers. Better watch out. We give time-outs.
Just look at these two women, an attorney and a PhD, getting tripped up and MacGyvered out of power by someone like me, a woman who can't remember her own zip code, or recognize her own mother, or find her way home from her own driveway.
I'm the victim here. And so is Judy, a woman with Multiple Sclerosis. I mean the stress of an online bullying makes her lose her ability to walk.
So after having practically 19 nervous breakdown, I posted to Sapphistry, the list with the most traffic, and the widest membership. It went a little like this.
"Wow, I sure didn't want to write this. Unfortunately, this has reached a point where I've had several conversations with police, and filed a report for threats made to me by friends of a suspended member, and I'm in the process of choosing between attorneys because I now need protection, from lesbians, over email. Sheesh.
So please, kindly cease and desist... on Sapphistry, DykeOver45, Craigslist, Facebook, and elsewhere, or I will take action for libel, defamation of character, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and whatever else the suits recommend. Ok, buttercups?"
Then I explained why the moderators suspended the members. It embarrassed me to hafta put that out there. I alluded to my briefly dating & dumping Paula (obviously she wouldn't be reacting this way otherwise.)
And I said it's been rough for us and I've been frightened. I asked people to get on with their lives and to have a little compassion
So I guess you could say I answered the question I raised about myself in a previous post, about whether I had the courage to denounce this online bullying. I had the strength of Arjuna, after all.
In response, Paula changed her Facebook page. She took down the awful things she wrote about me on her wall.
However, now that I'm calling what's been happening to me libel and defamation, Paula turns around and says on her wall that she's the victim of libel, hinting at legal action against us, or me, I dunno know which.
...
I promised I'd practice Yoga with Judy today, cuz she's taking her midterm tomorrow. And I was so sick all day. I've been taking these suppositories so the headaches don't make me puke.
So we did the Yoga. Durga fed us the best meal -- organic and ayurvedic. I was so grateful.
Even though I'm going through this horrible thing with the bullying. And even though my health is so fragile with the headaches. And even though cognitively I am so slowed down I couldn't decipher any street signs on the road with Judy today (she drove.) Still, I had lotsa moments of peace today.
Even with all that, I can hardly wait to meditate and to pray and to see the sunset and to let go and unclench from all the twists of mind.
On the drive to Durga's we passed through the rolling hills of wine country. Judy had something to say. As a result of everything Paula's put us through, Judy tells me she hates Paula.
I don't hate anyone. I'm just trying not to puke. I just want to meditate. I'm still reading the parsha; still looking forward to shabbat.
I have zero interest in any of this stuff with Paula and Lenore. I feel drawn in only to respond to libel and character defamation that's being directed at me or at Judy.
Sometimes I think about why I'm different. Why I don't hate. Why I'm not even really all that mad.
I'm scared, but I'm not mad.
I totally forgive all these people.
Yes, I'm frightened of them. It's very, very stressful to be so scared all the time.
But all I really wanna do is meditate and do yoga.
On the spiritual side, sometimes I do tonglen. Other times I do mehta. I extend love to Paula and to Lenora when I do the mehta. I really like doing that.
I suppose from a Jewish perspective I'm praying for them to have love in their lives.
That's really their trouble, isn't it?
Time for that sunset now.
(* basically every name is fake cuz I'm being bullied and I don't feel safe at all.)
Krip Hop, Homo Hop
Labels:
Berkeley,
Disability Culture,
Lesbian,
LGBT
Whassup, this looks like a cool event. It's called Diversifying Hip Hop: Krip Hop and Homo Hop, and I read about it in an Indybay article here. It's a day of movies, speakers and music. Two documentaries will be shown: "Halfsoulja" and "Pick Up the Mic: the Revolution of Homohop." The participants are queer, disabled, African-American, or an interesting combination thereof. I can't wait.
It's put together by Leroy Moore, founder of the Hip Hop Project, and the community relations director of Sins Invalid. This free event is taking place at UC Berkeley's Worth Ryder Gallery in Kroeber Hall, and it's sponsored by the Disability Studies Program, Dance and Performance Studies Program, and African Diaspora Studies Program. Whew, talk about multi-disciplinary.
A friend and I started a Yahoogroup for lesbians with disabilities, and so we're going to give a short talk and let people know we're out there as a resource.
INFO
What: Diversifying Hip Hop: Krip Hop and Homo Hop
Date: April 11
Time: 2 p.m. - 9 p.m.
Where: Worth Ryder Gallery, 116 Kroeber Hall
Cost: Free
Wheelchair Accessible
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